[ Well, it's not like Minako isn't afraid of hurting the other's feelings, so Monika is kind of right about that. And it's not even like she thinks she can't speak her mind to Monika, it's just..
.. it's a tough topic, isn't it? For all the things she knows she can tell Monika, she wants to be gentle about this particular one. Especially when Minako knows so well how hard Monika worked to get to where she is now. Minako doesn't want her to feel like she lost all that progress, like she didn't achieve anything. Especially since.. surely Monika doesn't quite realise it herself, or she wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Minako is so sure of that.
She doesn't move to sit up, still lying there, but does allow Monika to take her hand - and she looks up at her, with blue eyes in the darkness that are both gentle and serious at the same time. ]
Kind of..? [ She won't just circle around it though! So-- ] I'm kind of starting to notice.. that you're falling back into old habits, Monika. I know you don't mean it badly at all, but.. you realise why I'd be worried about that, right?
Ah... So that's what it is about. Is she really falling back into her old ways? She stares at Minako for a couple seconds before lowering her eyes. ]
... I am?
[ Of course she is. And she knows it, even if she's avoided facing it until now. For all of her flaws, Monika has always been very self-aware. She's just good at lying to herself and then pretend things aren't as bad as they seem. But if Minako has decided to bring up the topic... Then things are probably pretty bad already. ]
I... I'm sorry. You're right. [Not that it means anything unless she betters herself. She knows that. And now that she's forced to face this, there is something obvious she can't avoid:] And I let it happen, I think.
[ She could have forced herself back on the straight and narrow. But she didn't. No, she let things get bad enough that Minako had to bring it up. So many things have happened these past months... And it just keeps getting worse. What are the odds something bad will happen to Minako eventually? It's nearly unavoidable. ]
If I have to choose between losing you or being a bad person... [I'll always choose the latter.] And I think that fear has grown... Overwhelming lately.
.. it's because of the stuff I've been talking about, right?
[ It's not like Minako isn't aware at all. She knew even before she started about any of this - she knows it in her heart every single time she speaks about it to someone here, every single time she takes that risk - that it's hard on Monika, the things Minako wants to do. She's really been trying to balance it out though. Before Monika, and especially without Usagi here, she know she would not have hesitated to throw herself right into trouble. Minako has never been scared, after all. But with Monika here.. she knows she has to be more careful. She can't throw her life away when that life is precious to her girlfriend, when Minako really does want to spend an eternity with her.
But apparently even that wasn't enough. Especially with how much things have been escalating lately, to a point where they've even been arguing about it.
She slowly releases a breath. ]
Or do you think it would have happened without that too?
[ Minako can't be sure, really. She thinks it's a large contributing factor, at least, but she isn't sure if it's the sole reason or if Monika has been struggling with these feelings in general. Whether it was only going to be a matter of time before she might slide back into them. Minako knows that dealing with this stuff is difficult for Monika, at least, but-- for how well she likes to think she understands her girlfriend by now, it's not like she can be sure of the nuances there. She can't directly look into Monika's head, so maybe it's better to just straight up ask her lover that now. ]
... It's many things, I think. [Too many things.] Like the revelations about my past and how we're alone now.
[ The revelations about her past had just messed with her mental state altogether. And weirdly enough, having Usagi around had helped her remember Minako has so many people she loves and cares for. It helped her remain her best self for her sake. ]
And yes, the stuff you've been talking about.
[ She has to be honest. That's the biggest reason, even if on its own it may not have triggered this behavior in her. She's not even sure what to say here. Should she apologize... But that would just sound hollow unless she corrects her behavior. And a part of her isn't sure if she can do that. ]
It's not just you fighting villains or doing some risky stuff... It's you going up against what can only be described as a god. [She turns and looks down.] You'll die. Or worse.
[ What if tomorrow she doesn't wake up in this room? What if it erases all of her memories? What if it forces her through endless torments? Whatever the worst fate she can think of is - the fox can do it and worse. ]
[ Sure, Minako could say that she has fought beings like these before. It's not really untrue, considering some of the stuff she had to deal with back home - even if Usagi usually dealt with the worst of it.
But she knows that isn't a reassurance. Even if she dealt with it before and survived, said survival often wasn't easy. And usually - ironically enough - it did involve dying at some point. It's the sort of thing she could brush off with a whole lot of people, but Minako has been making such an active effort to be better about it with Monika, at least. ]
But if I don't do anything, we could both die.
[ She doesn't sound as serious about that as she usually does. There's nothing cold or steeled about it, even though Minako can easily force herself to be that way about a subject like this.
No, instead she sounds.. a little scared, almost. Like the true sentiment behind those words is slowly seeping out. ]
I don't want us to have to live this way, Monika. I want to be happy with you, and not at the mercy of-- of something that wouldn't hesitate to hurt us at any given moment. That's not the future I want for us. You know that's why I'm doing this, right..? It's so I can return to Usagi too, yes, but-- it's also for us. Do you think I can just let the fox go on hurting you the way she already has..?
[ Oh but... She cants her head to the side as she thinks of something.
If she does something about the fox herself, then Minako won't have to risk her life any more, right? Except she doesn't even know where to begin. Even if she can use her technomancy to delete the fox's avatar, it won't put a dent into the real thing.
Unless if... Perhaps she could use the avatar as a way to get to the real thing. Kind of how viruses in a computer work. Viruses don't just appear magically and attack the core files. They get into the computer by exploiting a vulnerability, by finding an opening. Maybe the avatar is that opening. ]
I-I'll try to be less worried, okay? [A beat.] And not as possessive.
[ Because that's really the key problem here. Her being so possessive and sometimes bordering on obsessive. That's no good, it's never been any good. And the more scared she is of losing Minako... The worst it'll get.
But if she focuses on the idea she can protect Minako. Then maybe she'll manage to keep those things under control. ]
I want a happy life for us too. I guess I'm just too afraid of that life... Being without you.
[ At least those words are true. They're so true. Even with Minako's attempts at trying to help people escape those plans, even with Minako's many flaws and problems.. those words are true, and they have always been true. The fact that Minako knows that Monika would have an even harder time with losing her than your average person would only makes Minako's resolve stronger when it comes to this.
She can't leave Monika behind alone. It would break her, and Minako would never forgive herself for that.
It makes her finally shift, her hands moving to land on the other girl's cheeks. Her grip is so soft, but also so full of love, especially coupled with the gaze of her blue eyes in the darkness of their room. ]
Why would you have to be possessive anyway when I'm right here, huh..? [ Granted, her light tone makes it sound a little bit like a joke. As if Minako means it more as a reassurance than as an actual question.
She's here. She's not going anywhere, if she can help it. ]
[ She cannot help but laugh and reply on a light tone as well: ]
Must I list the reasons? We'll be here all night, you know.
[ Because there are so so many reasons. But... None of them justify slowly going back to the kind of person she had been in the game. She leans forward and places a kiss on the other girl's lips, closing her eyes. ]
I'll be doing better, I promise. [A pause.] And... I'm glad you were able to tell me about that.
[ That sounds simple enough, but couples in the real world just don't speak to each other about stuff like that all the time. Little things they don't know how to bring up and put to the side, hoping it'll resolve itself. Only letting it build up to the point it becomes a real issue. ]
[ Minako kisses right back when Monika plants her lips against Minako's own.
.. and after that, she definitely goes in for another. Sue her. They deserve it for having a talk like this, right? ]
Well, someone did teach me that I should be a little bit more open about my feelings..
[ You know, a certain someone. We don't have to name names, right. They may or may not be here in this very room right now! (It's definitely why there's a sleepy, but playful edge to her words, her lips lingering dangerously close to Monika's own, her hand still on the other girl's face. ]
This is just me practicing that. So, am I getting a gold star for my work?
[ Wow, that someone sounds like they have a lot of great ideas! It would be really amazing - not to say revolutionary - if they could apply their good ideas to themselves more often. Monika smiles and leans in, kissing her once more and gently pushing her back onto the bed. ]
Mhm...
[ She lies next to her and wraps an arm around her form. There is no sleepy tone in her voice, but there's definitely an increasingly sleepy shift in her features. Not that it stops her from staring at her girlfriend lovingly. ]
You do but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it~
[ Maybe they should have those discussions in the morning... Yet again, that'd make the entire day thereafter awkward, wouldn't it? ]
It's a light whine, though. Despite this slight protest, like it's not Minako is going to fully resist any of this. It's clear that Monika seems like she wants to sleep, and Minako already feels like she's kept the other up with difficult talks for too long.
She just wants these last moments tonight to be sweet. So Monika can sleep dreaming of sweet things, rather than anything that scares her. ]
I guess I can wait until tomorrow.. [ She guesses!! ] You know, because I'm so amazing and I do so much for you..
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.. it's a tough topic, isn't it? For all the things she knows she can tell Monika, she wants to be gentle about this particular one. Especially when Minako knows so well how hard Monika worked to get to where she is now. Minako doesn't want her to feel like she lost all that progress, like she didn't achieve anything. Especially since.. surely Monika doesn't quite realise it herself, or she wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Minako is so sure of that.
She doesn't move to sit up, still lying there, but does allow Monika to take her hand - and she looks up at her, with blue eyes in the darkness that are both gentle and serious at the same time. ]
Kind of..? [ She won't just circle around it though! So-- ] I'm kind of starting to notice.. that you're falling back into old habits, Monika. I know you don't mean it badly at all, but.. you realise why I'd be worried about that, right?
no subject
Ah... So that's what it is about. Is she really falling back into her old ways? She stares at Minako for a couple seconds before lowering her eyes. ]
... I am?
[ Of course she is. And she knows it, even if she's avoided facing it until now. For all of her flaws, Monika has always been very self-aware. She's just good at lying to herself and then pretend things aren't as bad as they seem. But if Minako has decided to bring up the topic... Then things are probably pretty bad already. ]
I... I'm sorry. You're right. [Not that it means anything unless she betters herself. She knows that. And now that she's forced to face this, there is something obvious she can't avoid:] And I let it happen, I think.
[ She could have forced herself back on the straight and narrow. But she didn't. No, she let things get bad enough that Minako had to bring it up. So many things have happened these past months... And it just keeps getting worse. What are the odds something bad will happen to Minako eventually? It's nearly unavoidable. ]
If I have to choose between losing you or being a bad person... [I'll always choose the latter.] And I think that fear has grown... Overwhelming lately.
no subject
[ It's not like Minako isn't aware at all. She knew even before she started about any of this - she knows it in her heart every single time she speaks about it to someone here, every single time she takes that risk - that it's hard on Monika, the things Minako wants to do. She's really been trying to balance it out though. Before Monika, and especially without Usagi here, she know she would not have hesitated to throw herself right into trouble. Minako has never been scared, after all. But with Monika here.. she knows she has to be more careful. She can't throw her life away when that life is precious to her girlfriend, when Minako really does want to spend an eternity with her.
But apparently even that wasn't enough. Especially with how much things have been escalating lately, to a point where they've even been arguing about it.
She slowly releases a breath. ]
Or do you think it would have happened without that too?
[ Minako can't be sure, really. She thinks it's a large contributing factor, at least, but she isn't sure if it's the sole reason or if Monika has been struggling with these feelings in general. Whether it was only going to be a matter of time before she might slide back into them. Minako knows that dealing with this stuff is difficult for Monika, at least, but-- for how well she likes to think she understands her girlfriend by now, it's not like she can be sure of the nuances there. She can't directly look into Monika's head, so maybe it's better to just straight up ask her lover that now. ]
no subject
[ The revelations about her past had just messed with her mental state altogether. And weirdly enough, having Usagi around had helped her remember Minako has so many people she loves and cares for. It helped her remain her best self for her sake. ]
And yes, the stuff you've been talking about.
[ She has to be honest. That's the biggest reason, even if on its own it may not have triggered this behavior in her. She's not even sure what to say here. Should she apologize... But that would just sound hollow unless she corrects her behavior. And a part of her isn't sure if she can do that. ]
It's not just you fighting villains or doing some risky stuff... It's you going up against what can only be described as a god. [She turns and looks down.] You'll die. Or worse.
[ What if tomorrow she doesn't wake up in this room? What if it erases all of her memories? What if it forces her through endless torments? Whatever the worst fate she can think of is - the fox can do it and worse. ]
no subject
But she knows that isn't a reassurance. Even if she dealt with it before and survived, said survival often wasn't easy. And usually - ironically enough - it did involve dying at some point. It's the sort of thing she could brush off with a whole lot of people, but Minako has been making such an active effort to be better about it with Monika, at least. ]
But if I don't do anything, we could both die.
[ She doesn't sound as serious about that as she usually does. There's nothing cold or steeled about it, even though Minako can easily force herself to be that way about a subject like this.
No, instead she sounds.. a little scared, almost. Like the true sentiment behind those words is slowly seeping out. ]
I don't want us to have to live this way, Monika. I want to be happy with you, and not at the mercy of-- of something that wouldn't hesitate to hurt us at any given moment. That's not the future I want for us. You know that's why I'm doing this, right..? It's so I can return to Usagi too, yes, but-- it's also for us. Do you think I can just let the fox go on hurting you the way she already has..?
no subject
[ Oh but... She cants her head to the side as she thinks of something.
If she does something about the fox herself, then Minako won't have to risk her life any more, right? Except she doesn't even know where to begin. Even if she can use her technomancy to delete the fox's avatar, it won't put a dent into the real thing.
Unless if... Perhaps she could use the avatar as a way to get to the real thing. Kind of how viruses in a computer work. Viruses don't just appear magically and attack the core files. They get into the computer by exploiting a vulnerability, by finding an opening. Maybe the avatar is that opening. ]
I-I'll try to be less worried, okay? [A beat.] And not as possessive.
[ Because that's really the key problem here. Her being so possessive and sometimes bordering on obsessive. That's no good, it's never been any good. And the more scared she is of losing Minako... The worst it'll get.
But if she focuses on the idea she can protect Minako. Then maybe she'll manage to keep those things under control. ]
I want a happy life for us too. I guess I'm just too afraid of that life... Being without you.
no subject
[ At least those words are true. They're so true. Even with Minako's attempts at trying to help people escape those plans, even with Minako's many flaws and problems.. those words are true, and they have always been true. The fact that Minako knows that Monika would have an even harder time with losing her than your average person would only makes Minako's resolve stronger when it comes to this.
She can't leave Monika behind alone. It would break her, and Minako would never forgive herself for that.
It makes her finally shift, her hands moving to land on the other girl's cheeks. Her grip is so soft, but also so full of love, especially coupled with the gaze of her blue eyes in the darkness of their room. ]
Why would you have to be possessive anyway when I'm right here, huh..? [ Granted, her light tone makes it sound a little bit like a joke. As if Minako means it more as a reassurance than as an actual question.
She's here. She's not going anywhere, if she can help it. ]
no subject
Must I list the reasons? We'll be here all night, you know.
[ Because there are so so many reasons. But... None of them justify slowly going back to the kind of person she had been in the game. She leans forward and places a kiss on the other girl's lips, closing her eyes. ]
I'll be doing better, I promise. [A pause.] And... I'm glad you were able to tell me about that.
[ That sounds simple enough, but couples in the real world just don't speak to each other about stuff like that all the time. Little things they don't know how to bring up and put to the side, hoping it'll resolve itself. Only letting it build up to the point it becomes a real issue. ]
no subject
.. and after that, she definitely goes in for another. Sue her. They deserve it for having a talk like this, right? ]
Well, someone did teach me that I should be a little bit more open about my feelings..
[ You know, a certain someone. We don't have to name names, right. They may or may not be here in this very room right now! (It's definitely why there's a sleepy, but playful edge to her words, her lips lingering dangerously close to Monika's own, her hand still on the other girl's face. ]
This is just me practicing that. So, am I getting a gold star for my work?
no subject
Mhm...
[ She lies next to her and wraps an arm around her form. There is no sleepy tone in her voice, but there's definitely an increasingly sleepy shift in her features. Not that it stops her from staring at her girlfriend lovingly. ]
You do but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it~
[ Maybe they should have those discussions in the morning... Yet again, that'd make the entire day thereafter awkward, wouldn't it? ]
no subject
It's a light whine, though. Despite this slight protest, like it's not Minako is going to fully resist any of this. It's clear that Monika seems like she wants to sleep, and Minako already feels like she's kept the other up with difficult talks for too long.
She just wants these last moments tonight to be sweet. So Monika can sleep dreaming of sweet things, rather than anything that scares her. ]
I guess I can wait until tomorrow.. [ She guesses!! ] You know, because I'm so amazing and I do so much for you..