[Delivered in two pale pink boxes embossed with Hoot Couture in gold along the top, Monika will find two matching full-skirted dresses - one in yellow and one in green and both including the magical flower effect - wrapped beautifully in a heap of matching pink and gold tissue paper. And there on the top, is a matching postcard that reads:]
Thank you for letting Hoot Couture make your Valentine's Day something special! Enjoy your beautiful night! xxxx Rue
[ It's strange how much more silent the house is without Usagi in it. It's not like it's entirely quiet, since thankfully Monika is still there, and the two of them have enough to talk about at all times - but Minako really got used to having that third presence here, especially when Usagi let them stay with her pretty much ever since they first showed up here.
Still, she.. does her best. She adapts. Sure, she may be making over the top plans for a revolution and all of that since she knows she can't be here if Usagi isn't here, but it's not like Minako is absolutely miserable. The girl does her best to enjoy the presence of her girlfriend, hanging out with her friends-- the good things she can have here.
But with her focus shifting to that, it's been hard to not notice a certain change in Monika lately. It's not even anything too big, but.. that's the thing, isn't it? Minako is scared of it getting bigger. Of this spiralling out of control if she doesn't mention it in time.
So tonight, when the two of them just put on their cozy pyjamas and are starting to settle in for snuggling in bed, Minako speaks up when they're lying down in there. ]
.. Hey, Monika. There's actually something I wanted to ask before we sleep.
[ Usagi's disappearance had been - quite possibly - the worst thing that could have happened. Monika had been sad, of course. Not only because a friend had left but also because she knew how hard it was on her girlfriend. Yet, sadness hadn't been the only thing she had felt. How bad is it she'd felt a sense of relief? How horrible is it one of her first thoughts had been "we're finally alone at home."
How appalling is it that she's found herself hoping Usagi would never return?
Everyone has intrusive thoughts they can't control, and most people just dismiss them immediately. But even then, no decent human being would have such thoughts. No good person would struggle in the first place with such questions. No good person would have felt those emotions.
"You are not your feelings." Was it Sayori who had said that? But with everything she knows now... She has to wonder. When Minako speaks, Monika tilts her head up to look at her. ]
Mhm? [That sounds more serious than usual...] Did something happen?
[ It's a drawn-out hum, sounding a little sleepy. Minako shifts a little where she's lying in bed before she continues with: ]
Not really, but.. [ She's been thinking about how to bring this up, but even when she was imagining this conversation in her head, Minako never really knew how to find the right words. It's difficult - wanting to make her girlfriend aware of an issue that Minako feels is slowly starting to rear its head, but on the other hand she doesn't want to feel Monika bad either.
Especially when she knows how hard the other has fought to make progress. To compromise, just like Minako has on her own traits.
But it's clear from recent signs that the problem is not going to go away by itself, so she has to try. Maybe it'll be okay as long as she's just.. gentle about it. ]
Have you noticed anything lately..? [ Might as well start there. ]
[ ... Oh. It's not like Minako to be that vague - not unless she wants to tease her about something. And the tone so far makes it clear that's absolutely not what is happening. ]
Noticed anything...?
[ She sits up and closes her eyes. A lot has happened recently. But judging from everything, only one thing comes up to mind. ]
Well, we've had more disagreements than usual... [It happens to every couples... But they'd been spared those kind of conflicts for the most part up until recently. Up until Usagi's departure. Minako wants to fight against the fox, and Monika wants her not to.] And right now, you're afraid of hurting my feelings, right?
[ There's no other reasons she would be so vague and hesitant to speak her mind. She'd been careful to not say anything out of line, but... Maybe she did say something bad without even realizing? She takes Minako's hand with her own. ]
[ Well, it's not like Minako isn't afraid of hurting the other's feelings, so Monika is kind of right about that. And it's not even like she thinks she can't speak her mind to Monika, it's just..
.. it's a tough topic, isn't it? For all the things she knows she can tell Monika, she wants to be gentle about this particular one. Especially when Minako knows so well how hard Monika worked to get to where she is now. Minako doesn't want her to feel like she lost all that progress, like she didn't achieve anything. Especially since.. surely Monika doesn't quite realise it herself, or she wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Minako is so sure of that.
She doesn't move to sit up, still lying there, but does allow Monika to take her hand - and she looks up at her, with blue eyes in the darkness that are both gentle and serious at the same time. ]
Kind of..? [ She won't just circle around it though! So-- ] I'm kind of starting to notice.. that you're falling back into old habits, Monika. I know you don't mean it badly at all, but.. you realise why I'd be worried about that, right?
Ah... So that's what it is about. Is she really falling back into her old ways? She stares at Minako for a couple seconds before lowering her eyes. ]
... I am?
[ Of course she is. And she knows it, even if she's avoided facing it until now. For all of her flaws, Monika has always been very self-aware. She's just good at lying to herself and then pretend things aren't as bad as they seem. But if Minako has decided to bring up the topic... Then things are probably pretty bad already. ]
I... I'm sorry. You're right. [Not that it means anything unless she betters herself. She knows that. And now that she's forced to face this, there is something obvious she can't avoid:] And I let it happen, I think.
[ She could have forced herself back on the straight and narrow. But she didn't. No, she let things get bad enough that Minako had to bring it up. So many things have happened these past months... And it just keeps getting worse. What are the odds something bad will happen to Minako eventually? It's nearly unavoidable. ]
If I have to choose between losing you or being a bad person... [I'll always choose the latter.] And I think that fear has grown... Overwhelming lately.
.. it's because of the stuff I've been talking about, right?
[ It's not like Minako isn't aware at all. She knew even before she started about any of this - she knows it in her heart every single time she speaks about it to someone here, every single time she takes that risk - that it's hard on Monika, the things Minako wants to do. She's really been trying to balance it out though. Before Monika, and especially without Usagi here, she know she would not have hesitated to throw herself right into trouble. Minako has never been scared, after all. But with Monika here.. she knows she has to be more careful. She can't throw her life away when that life is precious to her girlfriend, when Minako really does want to spend an eternity with her.
But apparently even that wasn't enough. Especially with how much things have been escalating lately, to a point where they've even been arguing about it.
She slowly releases a breath. ]
Or do you think it would have happened without that too?
[ Minako can't be sure, really. She thinks it's a large contributing factor, at least, but she isn't sure if it's the sole reason or if Monika has been struggling with these feelings in general. Whether it was only going to be a matter of time before she might slide back into them. Minako knows that dealing with this stuff is difficult for Monika, at least, but-- for how well she likes to think she understands her girlfriend by now, it's not like she can be sure of the nuances there. She can't directly look into Monika's head, so maybe it's better to just straight up ask her lover that now. ]
... It's many things, I think. [Too many things.] Like the revelations about my past and how we're alone now.
[ The revelations about her past had just messed with her mental state altogether. And weirdly enough, having Usagi around had helped her remember Minako has so many people she loves and cares for. It helped her remain her best self for her sake. ]
And yes, the stuff you've been talking about.
[ She has to be honest. That's the biggest reason, even if on its own it may not have triggered this behavior in her. She's not even sure what to say here. Should she apologize... But that would just sound hollow unless she corrects her behavior. And a part of her isn't sure if she can do that. ]
It's not just you fighting villains or doing some risky stuff... It's you going up against what can only be described as a god. [She turns and looks down.] You'll die. Or worse.
[ What if tomorrow she doesn't wake up in this room? What if it erases all of her memories? What if it forces her through endless torments? Whatever the worst fate she can think of is - the fox can do it and worse. ]
[ Sure, Minako could say that she has fought beings like these before. It's not really untrue, considering some of the stuff she had to deal with back home - even if Usagi usually dealt with the worst of it.
But she knows that isn't a reassurance. Even if she dealt with it before and survived, said survival often wasn't easy. And usually - ironically enough - it did involve dying at some point. It's the sort of thing she could brush off with a whole lot of people, but Minako has been making such an active effort to be better about it with Monika, at least. ]
But if I don't do anything, we could both die.
[ She doesn't sound as serious about that as she usually does. There's nothing cold or steeled about it, even though Minako can easily force herself to be that way about a subject like this.
No, instead she sounds.. a little scared, almost. Like the true sentiment behind those words is slowly seeping out. ]
I don't want us to have to live this way, Monika. I want to be happy with you, and not at the mercy of-- of something that wouldn't hesitate to hurt us at any given moment. That's not the future I want for us. You know that's why I'm doing this, right..? It's so I can return to Usagi too, yes, but-- it's also for us. Do you think I can just let the fox go on hurting you the way she already has..?
[ Oh but... She cants her head to the side as she thinks of something.
If she does something about the fox herself, then Minako won't have to risk her life any more, right? Except she doesn't even know where to begin. Even if she can use her technomancy to delete the fox's avatar, it won't put a dent into the real thing.
Unless if... Perhaps she could use the avatar as a way to get to the real thing. Kind of how viruses in a computer work. Viruses don't just appear magically and attack the core files. They get into the computer by exploiting a vulnerability, by finding an opening. Maybe the avatar is that opening. ]
I-I'll try to be less worried, okay? [A beat.] And not as possessive.
[ Because that's really the key problem here. Her being so possessive and sometimes bordering on obsessive. That's no good, it's never been any good. And the more scared she is of losing Minako... The worst it'll get.
But if she focuses on the idea she can protect Minako. Then maybe she'll manage to keep those things under control. ]
I want a happy life for us too. I guess I'm just too afraid of that life... Being without you.
[ At least those words are true. They're so true. Even with Minako's attempts at trying to help people escape those plans, even with Minako's many flaws and problems.. those words are true, and they have always been true. The fact that Minako knows that Monika would have an even harder time with losing her than your average person would only makes Minako's resolve stronger when it comes to this.
She can't leave Monika behind alone. It would break her, and Minako would never forgive herself for that.
It makes her finally shift, her hands moving to land on the other girl's cheeks. Her grip is so soft, but also so full of love, especially coupled with the gaze of her blue eyes in the darkness of their room. ]
Why would you have to be possessive anyway when I'm right here, huh..? [ Granted, her light tone makes it sound a little bit like a joke. As if Minako means it more as a reassurance than as an actual question.
She's here. She's not going anywhere, if she can help it. ]
[ She cannot help but laugh and reply on a light tone as well: ]
Must I list the reasons? We'll be here all night, you know.
[ Because there are so so many reasons. But... None of them justify slowly going back to the kind of person she had been in the game. She leans forward and places a kiss on the other girl's lips, closing her eyes. ]
I'll be doing better, I promise. [A pause.] And... I'm glad you were able to tell me about that.
[ That sounds simple enough, but couples in the real world just don't speak to each other about stuff like that all the time. Little things they don't know how to bring up and put to the side, hoping it'll resolve itself. Only letting it build up to the point it becomes a real issue. ]
[ Minako kisses right back when Monika plants her lips against Minako's own.
.. and after that, she definitely goes in for another. Sue her. They deserve it for having a talk like this, right? ]
Well, someone did teach me that I should be a little bit more open about my feelings..
[ You know, a certain someone. We don't have to name names, right. They may or may not be here in this very room right now! (It's definitely why there's a sleepy, but playful edge to her words, her lips lingering dangerously close to Monika's own, her hand still on the other girl's face. ]
This is just me practicing that. So, am I getting a gold star for my work?
[ Wow, that someone sounds like they have a lot of great ideas! It would be really amazing - not to say revolutionary - if they could apply their good ideas to themselves more often. Monika smiles and leans in, kissing her once more and gently pushing her back onto the bed. ]
Mhm...
[ She lies next to her and wraps an arm around her form. There is no sleepy tone in her voice, but there's definitely an increasingly sleepy shift in her features. Not that it stops her from staring at her girlfriend lovingly. ]
You do but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it~
[ Maybe they should have those discussions in the morning... Yet again, that'd make the entire day thereafter awkward, wouldn't it? ]
It's a light whine, though. Despite this slight protest, like it's not Minako is going to fully resist any of this. It's clear that Monika seems like she wants to sleep, and Minako already feels like she's kept the other up with difficult talks for too long.
She just wants these last moments tonight to be sweet. So Monika can sleep dreaming of sweet things, rather than anything that scares her. ]
I guess I can wait until tomorrow.. [ She guesses!! ] You know, because I'm so amazing and I do so much for you..
[Having been forcibly moved to Tides and then deciding to stay there, Bo-Katan didn't come out of the underwater city unless she had to. Which she did from time to time. For trips to the hot springs, piano lessons, and her healing session with Hawke. She used those times to do a little shopping usually, but today she decided it was time she stopped by Monika's place.
Giving her some notice ahead of time, Bo-Katan eventually follows the directions she was given. The armored woman making her way to wherever the she and her girlfriend lived. She wasn't alone though, a fluffy little creature is trotting along by her side. There's also a crossbody bag on her, holding something inside. A peace offering should Minako actually be around.]
[ There is a bit of a delay between the moment she arrives and when Monika comes to the door. When she does, she's all smile. ]
Hi there! Sorry, I was just finishing tuning the piano. [Monika looks normal... Just wearing a green dress in her usual style. Although she's wearing gloves which is... A bit out of place considering she's inside? But maybe that's just the latest fashion trend!] I'm glad you could come!
[ And Minako? She's nowhere to be seen, though a third presence can definitely be felt in the house. Somewhere, around a corner... ]
[Bo-Katan just waits patiently! And then the door opens as there's Monika, with Bo-Katan offering her a cordial smile. Also, Bo-Katan doesn't really wonder too much about the gloves. She's wearing them too after all, along with full body armor. So you know. People do as people do. She's not going to judge.]
Thank you for having me.
[The fluffy Pokemon at her side chirps in greeting as well, his tail wagging. Bo-Katan then reaches into her bag and pulls out what looks to be a cake]
For you and your girlfriend.
[Speaking of which, her Myth senses are tingling a bit. She suspects that Minako must be around, but likely won't be making an appearance. Which doesn't surprise her at all.]
[ The Pokemon catches her attention about immediately. She kneels down to pet it, it's so fluffy! ]
Wow, what's this? I've never seen an animal like this before!
[ It looks like the kind of creature you'd find in one of those video games all about capturing every last monsters or something. But this is no video game, this is the real world! She gets back up and smiles when Bo-Katan hands the cake over to her! ]
Thank you! But, um... [The smile fades immediately, replaced by sheer awkwardness.] I don't think you'll see Minako, I told her you're coming and... Honestly I'm not used to seeing her like that.
[ She'd never suspected her girlfriend could hold grudges like that! Monika's supposed to be the one with negative and dark tendencies here. But that can't be helped. ]
[ She keeps petting it for a bit before getting back up. ]
He's adorable!
[ With that said, she leads her inside - to the living room to be specific. The piano is close to a window. Clearly an old and used antique piano - though one she's been doing her best to keep in pristine conditions. ]
I don't think it could kill her anyway. She really is a goddess, you know? Just not the kind you heard of in myths.
[ It's complicated and she doesn't understand all of it herself. ]
action, some time in late may (i'm no good at dates)
[ Just where in Folkmore is a Monika meant to find a Sayori?
Luckily, she's got a clue: in Epiphany, around near where the games arcade is wherever that is. Sayori hadn't stuck around inside though, her time with a particular girl fun, but her interest in sticking around ends shortly thereafter.
...
...
after getting this guy from a "few" attempts at a crane game, anyway. A guy who happens to be in Sayori's arms as, where Monika might find her Vice President, is stopped outside the infamous Catfe, peering inside with a delightful smile on her face. Her posture relaxed, excited--the typical aura of a Sayori of the game they come from. What Sayori, if Monika thought back to how she knew her (or how Sayori was programmed), seems so Sayori-like.
All that's different is her clothes, her school uniform gone and replaced with articles purchased from a local shop--and the fact she's here. Not stuck in a game.
[ Going to Epiphany to find Sayori... There is a certain level of cosmic irony here, one that Monika isn't blind to. If she had to bet, that damn fox set everything up to be that exact way. ]
.........
[ After having found her, Monika observes Sayori from a distance for a moment. It's like seeing a ghost. God. What is she supposed to do? What is she supposed to say? It's so weird. She's imagined this scenario in this mind so many times. The things she'd say, how she'd try to make herself forgiven. But now that it's actually happening... None of it matters. She wonders if that means Yuri and Natsuki will come too? Maybe her plan to rescue them won't be needed after all.
Is Sayori even aware?
If she's like her, then she should be from after everything was deleted. But then she'd expect her to be down in the pits of depression, what with the memories of her own epiphany and of everything that had happened in the game's first act. Yet again, Sayori has always been really good at hiding all of the things in her head behind a smile. ]
[ Finally, she approaches her. It's not a game, there's no saying what will happen here. Sayori has always been so sweet... But it's possible she'll want to take revenge. Or maybe she'll run away terrified. Or maybe she'll try doing something... terrible to herself. But she won't allow it. Not this time. ]
Hey there! [Monika smiles and tries to sound as normal as is humanly possible. She's also really good at hiding her emotions. Maybe more than Sayori by now. There is a possibility the girl doesn't remember a thing... And if so, she won't tell her the horrible truth behind this world. She wagers she'll know soon enough.] Sayori, it's really you!
About a lot of things, and plenty about this place. Back as the President, she could see what had happened before her epiphany, and the coding that structured everything. Her awakening had been like that: a blink, a surfacing. Seeing everything with new eyes, and how her personality had been sculpted through lines pre-written. Nothing real about her--until that moment.
Until Monika was gone. And now, what did this place mean? A larger world than anything inside Doki Doki Literature Club had ever been, a promise for her potential to be fulfilled. It was like another videogame, really, even if it wasn't so restrictive as the one she came from. She hasn't felt the threat of darkness; there isn't the feeling of someone watching, just out there on the other side.
...
... but did that really mean this was the real world? And where was Monika in all this?
She thought about Monika too, of course. She'd hidden herself once before: she'd taken her life, even when they'd both been the same.
But it doesn't mean she's prepared to hear her voice, slicing through the background noise. Sayori's shoulders tighten as it registers. Monika? Monika, Monika.
The catfe is lost from view, no one as important as what's threatening to be real. Sayori looks, features pulled in the same surprise that makes her grip onto the cow toy that she holds.
The coral shade of pink of her hair slowly begins to swap shades as Sayori hears her, sees her: smiling, unbothered, acting like everything is so normal, what does she know? Thoughts race in her mind, and it troubles her how she doesn't have to control of this world. What if Monika does...? ]
Monika? [ There's none of that surprised lost in her voice that matches her features well. What should she do? Run? Will playing oblivious help? ] Is that really you?
[ What does she know? her mind continues to panic. What can she do? ]
[ Ah. That reaction tells her just about everything she needs to know. Sayori remembers. She remembers everything. That she is surprised is to be expected, but there's more than just surprise. ]
... Yeah.
[ Immediately, the smile drops from her features. If Sayori remembers everything, then there's no point in pretending. She can't protect her from the epiphany. And while that's maybe selfish, for her it's better that way. Pretending for things to be normal... That would have been unbearable. ]
And this is a reality outside our own.
[ Though whether this is the real world is another question entirely. It's hard to tell whether any world is truly real. That's something she's learned those past couple years. But the people around them, the world - they're all real. Not cardboard cutouts and NPCs meant to give the illusion of reality to an empty world.
She doesn't know if it's the "real world." But it's real enough. ]
I'm not going to hurt you. [She may have, had they met in Avalon when she'd first tasted freedom. But not any more.] Though I can't blame you for thinking I will.
Standing there, watching the smile drop, Sayori's own expression stuck to what it is. Intentionally, or not; she can't help but be more focused on Monika than herself, seeing what she'll do next. And Monika knows the truth, after all: she's known longer than any of them. It was her club, not Sayori's; but the moment it had been hers, the extent of Monika's actions hadn't really felt personal, in a sense.
None of them had been real. And who cares about things that aren't real?
But she had been, in the end.
She hadn't like that. But then, who would like being killed? Without a second thought, like she had still been a part of Monika's game. And standing here now, listening to Monika trying to speak with what might be taken as remorse...
Sayori's never liked to see such sorry expressions on people, but this time it's different. Because she's not that same Sayori, is she? The one whose heart twisted; the one whose fell into despair as Monika encouraged it. Worthless, worthless, worthless.
It sparks something in her that she doesn't like, doesn't want to confront--and she wants to dash it, along with this idea that Monika has (she wants control, doesn't she? She thinks she can have them). So she works against her own emotions, and oh, she's been programmed to be like that, and rushes over to Monika...
...and flings her arms around her, pulling them both into a tight embrace that drops the toy from her hand. ]
Monika, I know you'd never hurt me! That fox came and brought me here... and everything's been strange ever since! Everyone just...disappeared!
[ She buries her head closer to Monika's neck, a small squeeze of her arms going along with it (that really can't do much, given the girl's tiny stature). ]
[ No no no no. Why is she still pretending? Why isn't she dropping the masquerade? Is this out of fear? Or because facing that reality would be much too painful? Monika is frozen on the spot for a moment when the other girl embraces her.
Things would have been so much easier if Sayori never appeared in this world. But things that are easy are rarely worth it, are they? That's why she'd wanted to rescue them. That's why she'd promised Minako to try and become a good person.
Because she doesn't want to be the person Sayori is so terrified of right now. ]
....
[ She closes her eyes and slowly - very delicately - closes her arms around Sayori. As if she was afraid to accidentally break. As if she was afraid the mere act of holding her could hurt her. She's not going to go along with Sayori's act. What good would it do to either of them? Delay the inevitable? ]
I... I'm sorry.
[ How often has she dreamed of saying those words? But they're hollow. Unless she can somehow go back in time and undo her trauma. And even then, she would still be a monster for what she's done. ]
I'm so sorry...!
[ Her voice starts breaking down, Monika doing her very best not to burst into tears, right there and then. Still, tears are rolling down her cheeks. At least Sayori can't see her... But she can hear her. ]
[ The tremor in Monika's voice is close to Sayori's ear, yet the way it reverberates through goes beyond volume, through voice alone--Monika's entire being against her sends a shiver through her. An apology, her sincerity: Sayori was never ready for this.
And she wants to close her ears to it, the way it tears into her very being. No, no... you don't get to apologise.
I'm just worthless, aren't I? Worthless, worthless...
Fear, guilt--and why should she feel this guilt all of the sudden? These emotions that Sayori can't process, doesn't want to, because that would mean facing them; and so she ignores it, refuses them as her voice softens, worries. ] Monika, you did nothing wrong... It's okay, Monika. It's okay.
[ She soothes, or tries to, but her own voice begins to rattle--upset inspiring upset, and there's pinpricks of pain threatening to become more at the back of Sayori's eyes. No, no, why is she being like this? But Monika's shoulder is as much a safety as it is a danger now, and she continues, angling her head just an inch to allow her mouth more room.
A hand goes up to touch the back of the other girl's hair, strokes down. ]
[ It would be so much easier if Sayori just started lashing out against her. If she yelled at her, accused her of all the horrible things she's done. If she slapped her, if she promised to get back at her. Yet that's not what's happening.
Sayori is kind. Too kind, even. But nobody can be that kind. ]
...
[ Monika remains silent, trying her very hardest not to break down sobbing. She just needs to focus. It's hard, but she manages to keep it all under control. Until she feels like she can pull back. The hug should be comforting... But it hurts. Sayori stabbing her would hurt less, ironically. Should she asked her to be honest? But that'd be selfish.
She wants to be her better self too, doesn't she? Should she deprive her of that just because she'd feel better if only Sayori started acting the way she had expected her to? No, she can't. ]
... That world, it's... It's a chance at a new start. [Now that she's standing in front of her, it may be noticeably Monika is slightly older. Two-three years or so, but enough so she's the slightest bit different from how she was.] I'll be here to help you... If you want.
That, and maybe there's a part of her--no, a large part of her that wants to push Monika. Shove her away, make her disappear; make it so this moment wasn't happening at all, and then she wouldn't have to face it. What does she do? She doesn't have the answer, and even as Monika pulls away, Sayori's arms dropping and her feet taking a step back, this doesn't feel any better.
She looks at Monika, but she avoids anything that really makes her examine her: gaze flittering, her hands coming up near her chest. Her words are just as uncomfortable, an offer she doesn't know what to do, because what does it mean? This isn't what Monika would be doing. She deleted her, after all. What game is she playing? And why does she have to be so defenceless against it?
It's a slow response in return, but Sayori giggles nervously, her gaze down to the side. ] Ehehe... um... I... I'd like some time... everything... it's been a lot. I don't understand it, but...
[ She takes another step back, forces herself to look at Monika. She isn't smiling now, her lips pinched and her brow furrowed. There's something of an attempt, but it's not reaching her face. ]
...I want to go.
[ And it doesn't feel like she can, unless Monika allows it. ]
That hurts more than anything else so far. She's terrified, isn't she? When she looks at her, all that Sayori sees is a monster. All she sees is someone who has hurt her and who dared come see her as if nothing had happened. All she sees is her past and the impossibility to ever escape it.
Why... Why had she even come? What had she expected? She shouldn't had. She should have left Sayori alone. She should have done her best to avoid her and make sure she never has to worry about her existing in the same world as her. To come here had been a selfish and irresponsible decision. She can see it clear as day now. ]
... Y-Yes, of course.
[ She takes a step back as well and turns around. Sayori shouldn't be the one to go, she should be. Nothing she can do or say will make this better. What she needs isn't Monika's excuses or help.
[ It would've been her, probably. If Monika hadn't run first--Sayori wanted to, so badly. But when the other girl does it, though there's a need in her feet to move, she stays still. She's stuck. Like moving right then might set something off, and what?
She watches the other leave instead, and feels a surging of emotion rush to her head. The pinprick of tears now no longer a threat, but a small dribble beginning to escape her eyes. Sayori drags her hands up to the sides of her head and pinches at her hair, dark and wet in contrast to its normal colour.
Why? Why? Why? repeats in her head, and darker thoughts. She can't stay here, she won't, and so turning on her own heels, Sayori runs--leaving behind the stuffed toy that she had been holding so fondly before.
[ Sure, Minako could wait for the other girl to get home and just ask her about this then. But considering how curious (read: worried, she's definitely worried about what could happen here) about how it all went down, there's a text already waiting for Monika right after Monika's encounter with Sayori, while she's still out there. ]
[ There's the temptation of trying to play that down - she doesn't want Minako to worry. But she's promised not to lie to her... At least she can sound calm and controlled through text. ]
Not good. Going to see her was a mistake.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. She's terrified of me and for good reasons. The last thing she needed was to see me.
She definitely was worried about this happening. Partially for Sayori's own sake - it can't be great arriving in a strange place like this to begin with, and then immediately getting all freaked out over something else - but also for Monika's own sake.
It's not difficult to see how hard the other girl is getting on herself pretty much right away, after all. ]
Hey, this isn't your fault.
It's just a big, messy situation. I still think it's better for things to have gone down this way than for you to randomly spot her out there and it being surprising to the both of you, you know? We can still fix this.
All we have do is make sure she knows you've changed. That she's safe. That things are different now.
You love me, so I think you're kind of biased here, ahaha.
[ Not that she doesn't trust Minako's judgment, but she's her girlfriend. She's never seen her truly ugly side, besides in a dream. Even their disagreements last month had been nothing compared to the monster she is capable of being. ]
If she doesn't want anything to do with me, that's fine.
We have to think about what's good for her. Trying to convince her I'm a good person is only helping me, you know?
[ She'd love it if they could go back to being best friends who have fun with the literature club and all, but that's just not happening. Neither of them are the same people now. ]
You don't think it'd benefit her as well to know that it's not like she has to constantly fear you here?
[ There's different arguments Minako could use here. Arguments that lie so much more within her implicit trust of Monika. With her pride in how much Monika has tried to work on herself over the years.
But it's likely she wouldn't listen to them, Minako thinks. Not when Monika must be feeling crappy enough after that encounter in the first place. It feels better to address the more objective arguments. It might be the only way to convince her. ]
[ What a low blow. But she can't really disagree with her point here. Still... Maybe she should speak more openly about this with Minako. She already knows most of the details, but it can't hurt.
(It can and does hurt, but details) ]
You're right. But I don't know if that's even possible.
When I met her, she was suicidal. I'm the one person she confided in. And after the epiphany, I betrayed her. I used her own fears and insecurities against her, Minako. I was an absolute monster.
Then when the player deleted me, she experienced the epiphany too. It took me one year to break down totally and become a monster. It took her ten minutes. That's why I deleted her - and everyone else. So they wouldn't become like me.
I effectively killed her twice. And because I couldn't just play my role, she had to suffer the epiphany. There is no way she'll ever feel safe with me around.
There's an indication that Minako is typing for quite some time. ]
Look, Monika.. I won't absolve you for everything you did. I know you don't want me to.
[ Especially when some of the stuff just really is that bad. It doesn't change her love for Monika the way she knows the girl now, but the thought of her just coldly using someone else's suicidal feelings against them - it's a lot. It's like the Monika she saw in that twisted future, the one who would hollow out Minako just to keep her by her side.
She can't ever let Monika become that person again. ]
But I'm also reading parts of that story where you're blaming yourself for things you can't help. Your creators had just as much, if not much more, blame in this entire story than just you.
If she had the same epiphany you did, she must know that too. That you were all manipulated.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[a purchase delivered before Valentine's Day]
Thank you for letting Hoot Couture make your Valentine's Day something special! Enjoy your beautiful night!
xxxx
Rue
action;
Still, she.. does her best. She adapts. Sure, she may be making over the top plans for a revolution and all of that since she knows she can't be here if Usagi isn't here, but it's not like Minako is absolutely miserable. The girl does her best to enjoy the presence of her girlfriend, hanging out with her friends-- the good things she can have here.
But with her focus shifting to that, it's been hard to not notice a certain change in Monika lately. It's not even anything too big, but.. that's the thing, isn't it? Minako is scared of it getting bigger. Of this spiralling out of control if she doesn't mention it in time.
So tonight, when the two of them just put on their cozy pyjamas and are starting to settle in for snuggling in bed, Minako speaks up when they're lying down in there. ]
.. Hey, Monika. There's actually something I wanted to ask before we sleep.
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How appalling is it that she's found herself hoping Usagi would never return?
Everyone has intrusive thoughts they can't control, and most people just dismiss them immediately. But even then, no decent human being would have such thoughts. No good person would struggle in the first place with such questions. No good person would have felt those emotions.
"You are not your feelings." Was it Sayori who had said that? But with everything she knows now... She has to wonder. When Minako speaks, Monika tilts her head up to look at her. ]
Mhm? [That sounds more serious than usual...] Did something happen?
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[ It's a drawn-out hum, sounding a little sleepy. Minako shifts a little where she's lying in bed before she continues with: ]
Not really, but.. [ She's been thinking about how to bring this up, but even when she was imagining this conversation in her head, Minako never really knew how to find the right words. It's difficult - wanting to make her girlfriend aware of an issue that Minako feels is slowly starting to rear its head, but on the other hand she doesn't want to feel Monika bad either.
Especially when she knows how hard the other has fought to make progress. To compromise, just like Minako has on her own traits.
But it's clear from recent signs that the problem is not going to go away by itself, so she has to try. Maybe it'll be okay as long as she's just.. gentle about it. ]
Have you noticed anything lately..? [ Might as well start there. ]
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Noticed anything...?
[ She sits up and closes her eyes. A lot has happened recently. But judging from everything, only one thing comes up to mind. ]
Well, we've had more disagreements than usual... [It happens to every couples... But they'd been spared those kind of conflicts for the most part up until recently. Up until Usagi's departure. Minako wants to fight against the fox, and Monika wants her not to.] And right now, you're afraid of hurting my feelings, right?
[ There's no other reasons she would be so vague and hesitant to speak her mind. She'd been careful to not say anything out of line, but... Maybe she did say something bad without even realizing? She takes Minako's hand with her own. ]
Is it something I said?
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.. it's a tough topic, isn't it? For all the things she knows she can tell Monika, she wants to be gentle about this particular one. Especially when Minako knows so well how hard Monika worked to get to where she is now. Minako doesn't want her to feel like she lost all that progress, like she didn't achieve anything. Especially since.. surely Monika doesn't quite realise it herself, or she wouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Minako is so sure of that.
She doesn't move to sit up, still lying there, but does allow Monika to take her hand - and she looks up at her, with blue eyes in the darkness that are both gentle and serious at the same time. ]
Kind of..? [ She won't just circle around it though! So-- ] I'm kind of starting to notice.. that you're falling back into old habits, Monika. I know you don't mean it badly at all, but.. you realise why I'd be worried about that, right?
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Ah... So that's what it is about. Is she really falling back into her old ways? She stares at Minako for a couple seconds before lowering her eyes. ]
... I am?
[ Of course she is. And she knows it, even if she's avoided facing it until now. For all of her flaws, Monika has always been very self-aware. She's just good at lying to herself and then pretend things aren't as bad as they seem. But if Minako has decided to bring up the topic... Then things are probably pretty bad already. ]
I... I'm sorry. You're right. [Not that it means anything unless she betters herself. She knows that. And now that she's forced to face this, there is something obvious she can't avoid:] And I let it happen, I think.
[ She could have forced herself back on the straight and narrow. But she didn't. No, she let things get bad enough that Minako had to bring it up. So many things have happened these past months... And it just keeps getting worse. What are the odds something bad will happen to Minako eventually? It's nearly unavoidable. ]
If I have to choose between losing you or being a bad person... [I'll always choose the latter.] And I think that fear has grown... Overwhelming lately.
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[ It's not like Minako isn't aware at all. She knew even before she started about any of this - she knows it in her heart every single time she speaks about it to someone here, every single time she takes that risk - that it's hard on Monika, the things Minako wants to do. She's really been trying to balance it out though. Before Monika, and especially without Usagi here, she know she would not have hesitated to throw herself right into trouble. Minako has never been scared, after all. But with Monika here.. she knows she has to be more careful. She can't throw her life away when that life is precious to her girlfriend, when Minako really does want to spend an eternity with her.
But apparently even that wasn't enough. Especially with how much things have been escalating lately, to a point where they've even been arguing about it.
She slowly releases a breath. ]
Or do you think it would have happened without that too?
[ Minako can't be sure, really. She thinks it's a large contributing factor, at least, but she isn't sure if it's the sole reason or if Monika has been struggling with these feelings in general. Whether it was only going to be a matter of time before she might slide back into them. Minako knows that dealing with this stuff is difficult for Monika, at least, but-- for how well she likes to think she understands her girlfriend by now, it's not like she can be sure of the nuances there. She can't directly look into Monika's head, so maybe it's better to just straight up ask her lover that now. ]
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[ The revelations about her past had just messed with her mental state altogether. And weirdly enough, having Usagi around had helped her remember Minako has so many people she loves and cares for. It helped her remain her best self for her sake. ]
And yes, the stuff you've been talking about.
[ She has to be honest. That's the biggest reason, even if on its own it may not have triggered this behavior in her. She's not even sure what to say here. Should she apologize... But that would just sound hollow unless she corrects her behavior. And a part of her isn't sure if she can do that. ]
It's not just you fighting villains or doing some risky stuff... It's you going up against what can only be described as a god. [She turns and looks down.] You'll die. Or worse.
[ What if tomorrow she doesn't wake up in this room? What if it erases all of her memories? What if it forces her through endless torments? Whatever the worst fate she can think of is - the fox can do it and worse. ]
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But she knows that isn't a reassurance. Even if she dealt with it before and survived, said survival often wasn't easy. And usually - ironically enough - it did involve dying at some point. It's the sort of thing she could brush off with a whole lot of people, but Minako has been making such an active effort to be better about it with Monika, at least. ]
But if I don't do anything, we could both die.
[ She doesn't sound as serious about that as she usually does. There's nothing cold or steeled about it, even though Minako can easily force herself to be that way about a subject like this.
No, instead she sounds.. a little scared, almost. Like the true sentiment behind those words is slowly seeping out. ]
I don't want us to have to live this way, Monika. I want to be happy with you, and not at the mercy of-- of something that wouldn't hesitate to hurt us at any given moment. That's not the future I want for us. You know that's why I'm doing this, right..? It's so I can return to Usagi too, yes, but-- it's also for us. Do you think I can just let the fox go on hurting you the way she already has..?
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[ Oh but... She cants her head to the side as she thinks of something.
If she does something about the fox herself, then Minako won't have to risk her life any more, right? Except she doesn't even know where to begin. Even if she can use her technomancy to delete the fox's avatar, it won't put a dent into the real thing.
Unless if... Perhaps she could use the avatar as a way to get to the real thing. Kind of how viruses in a computer work. Viruses don't just appear magically and attack the core files. They get into the computer by exploiting a vulnerability, by finding an opening. Maybe the avatar is that opening. ]
I-I'll try to be less worried, okay? [A beat.] And not as possessive.
[ Because that's really the key problem here. Her being so possessive and sometimes bordering on obsessive. That's no good, it's never been any good. And the more scared she is of losing Minako... The worst it'll get.
But if she focuses on the idea she can protect Minako. Then maybe she'll manage to keep those things under control. ]
I want a happy life for us too. I guess I'm just too afraid of that life... Being without you.
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[ At least those words are true. They're so true. Even with Minako's attempts at trying to help people escape those plans, even with Minako's many flaws and problems.. those words are true, and they have always been true. The fact that Minako knows that Monika would have an even harder time with losing her than your average person would only makes Minako's resolve stronger when it comes to this.
She can't leave Monika behind alone. It would break her, and Minako would never forgive herself for that.
It makes her finally shift, her hands moving to land on the other girl's cheeks. Her grip is so soft, but also so full of love, especially coupled with the gaze of her blue eyes in the darkness of their room. ]
Why would you have to be possessive anyway when I'm right here, huh..? [ Granted, her light tone makes it sound a little bit like a joke. As if Minako means it more as a reassurance than as an actual question.
She's here. She's not going anywhere, if she can help it. ]
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Must I list the reasons? We'll be here all night, you know.
[ Because there are so so many reasons. But... None of them justify slowly going back to the kind of person she had been in the game. She leans forward and places a kiss on the other girl's lips, closing her eyes. ]
I'll be doing better, I promise. [A pause.] And... I'm glad you were able to tell me about that.
[ That sounds simple enough, but couples in the real world just don't speak to each other about stuff like that all the time. Little things they don't know how to bring up and put to the side, hoping it'll resolve itself. Only letting it build up to the point it becomes a real issue. ]
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.. and after that, she definitely goes in for another. Sue her. They deserve it for having a talk like this, right? ]
Well, someone did teach me that I should be a little bit more open about my feelings..
[ You know, a certain someone. We don't have to name names, right. They may or may not be here in this very room right now! (It's definitely why there's a sleepy, but playful edge to her words, her lips lingering dangerously close to Monika's own, her hand still on the other girl's face. ]
This is just me practicing that. So, am I getting a gold star for my work?
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Mhm...
[ She lies next to her and wraps an arm around her form. There is no sleepy tone in her voice, but there's definitely an increasingly sleepy shift in her features. Not that it stops her from staring at her girlfriend lovingly. ]
You do but you'll have to wait till tomorrow to get it~
[ Maybe they should have those discussions in the morning... Yet again, that'd make the entire day thereafter awkward, wouldn't it? ]
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It's a light whine, though. Despite this slight protest, like it's not Minako is going to fully resist any of this. It's clear that Monika seems like she wants to sleep, and Minako already feels like she's kept the other up with difficult talks for too long.
She just wants these last moments tonight to be sweet. So Monika can sleep dreaming of sweet things, rather than anything that scares her. ]
I guess I can wait until tomorrow.. [ She guesses!! ] You know, because I'm so amazing and I do so much for you..
Action;
Giving her some notice ahead of time, Bo-Katan eventually follows the directions she was given. The armored woman making her way to wherever the she and her girlfriend lived. She wasn't alone though, a fluffy little creature is trotting along by her side. There's also a crossbody bag on her, holding something inside. A peace offering should Minako actually be around.]
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Hi there! Sorry, I was just finishing tuning the piano. [Monika looks normal... Just wearing a green dress in her usual style. Although she's wearing gloves which is... A bit out of place considering she's inside? But maybe that's just the latest fashion trend!] I'm glad you could come!
[ And Minako? She's nowhere to be seen, though a third presence can definitely be felt in the house. Somewhere, around a corner... ]
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Thank you for having me.
[The fluffy Pokemon at her side chirps in greeting as well, his tail wagging. Bo-Katan then reaches into her bag and pulls out what looks to be a cake]
For you and your girlfriend.
[Speaking of which, her Myth senses are tingling a bit. She suspects that Minako must be around, but likely won't be making an appearance. Which doesn't surprise her at all.]
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Wow, what's this? I've never seen an animal like this before!
[ It looks like the kind of creature you'd find in one of those video games all about capturing every last monsters or something. But this is no video game, this is the real world! She gets back up and smiles when Bo-Katan hands the cake over to her! ]
Thank you! But, um... [The smile fades immediately, replaced by sheer awkwardness.] I don't think you'll see Minako, I told her you're coming and... Honestly I'm not used to seeing her like that.
[ She'd never suspected her girlfriend could hold grudges like that! Monika's supposed to be the one with negative and dark tendencies here. But that can't be helped. ]
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[That cheerful exclamation coming from the creature himself.]
This is Burc’ya, he’s an Eevee, a species of Pokemon.
[The comment about Minako gets a little amused snort out of Bo-Katan.]
I can’t say that I’m surprised. She will grow out of it eventually and learn not to take things so personally.
[Bo-Katan was a hot headed teenager once upon a time after all.]
Until then, you can assure her that the cake isn’t poisoned or anything.
[She doesn’t result to such cowardly means of revenge. Not anymore at least.]
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He's adorable!
[ With that said, she leads her inside - to the living room to be specific. The piano is close to a window. Clearly an old and used antique piano - though one she's been doing her best to keep in pristine conditions. ]
I don't think it could kill her anyway. She really is a goddess, you know? Just not the kind you heard of in myths.
[ It's complicated and she doesn't understand all of it herself. ]
action, some time in late may (i'm no good at dates)
Luckily, she's got a clue: in Epiphany, around near where the games arcade is
wherever that is. Sayori hadn't stuck around inside though, her time with a particular girl fun, but her interest in sticking around ends shortly thereafter....
...
after getting this guy from a "few" attempts at a crane game, anyway. A guy who happens to be in Sayori's arms as, where Monika might find her Vice President, is stopped outside the infamous Catfe, peering inside with a delightful smile on her face. Her posture relaxed, excited--the typical aura of a Sayori of the game they come from. What Sayori, if Monika thought back to how she knew her (or how Sayori was programmed), seems so Sayori-like.
All that's different is her clothes, her school uniform gone and replaced with articles purchased from a local shop--and the fact she's here. Not stuck in a game.
Here. ]
1/2
.........
[ After having found her, Monika observes Sayori from a distance for a moment. It's like seeing a ghost. God. What is she supposed to do? What is she supposed to say? It's so weird. She's imagined this scenario in this mind so many times. The things she'd say, how she'd try to make herself forgiven. But now that it's actually happening... None of it matters. She wonders if that means Yuri and Natsuki will come too? Maybe her plan to rescue them won't be needed after all.
Is Sayori even aware?
If she's like her, then she should be from after everything was deleted. But then she'd expect her to be down in the pits of depression, what with the memories of her own epiphany and of everything that had happened in the game's first act. Yet again, Sayori has always been really good at hiding all of the things in her head behind a smile. ]
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Hey there! [Monika smiles and tries to sound as normal as is humanly possible. She's also really good at hiding her emotions. Maybe more than Sayori by now. There is a possibility the girl doesn't remember a thing... And if so, she won't tell her the horrible truth behind this world. She wagers she'll know soon enough.] Sayori, it's really you!
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About a lot of things, and plenty about this place. Back as the President, she could see what had happened before her epiphany, and the coding that structured everything. Her awakening had been like that: a blink, a surfacing. Seeing everything with new eyes, and how her personality had been sculpted through lines pre-written. Nothing real about her--until that moment.
Until Monika was gone. And now, what did this place mean? A larger world than anything inside Doki Doki Literature Club had ever been, a promise for her potential to be fulfilled. It was like another videogame, really, even if it wasn't so restrictive as the one she came from. She hasn't felt the threat of darkness; there isn't the feeling of someone watching, just out there on the other side.
...
... but did that really mean this was the real world? And where was Monika in all this?
She thought about Monika too, of course. She'd hidden herself once before: she'd taken her life, even when they'd both been the same.
But it doesn't mean she's prepared to hear her voice, slicing through the background noise. Sayori's shoulders tighten as it registers. Monika? Monika, Monika.
The catfe is lost from view, no one as important as what's threatening to be real. Sayori looks, features pulled in the same surprise that makes her grip onto the cow toy that she holds.
The coral shade of pink of her hair slowly begins to swap shades as Sayori hears her, sees her: smiling, unbothered, acting like everything is so normal, what does she know? Thoughts race in her mind, and it troubles her how she doesn't have to control of this world. What if Monika does...? ]
Monika? [ There's none of that surprised lost in her voice that matches her features well. What should she do? Run? Will playing oblivious help? ] Is that really you?
[ What does she know? her mind continues to panic. What can she do? ]
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... Yeah.
[ Immediately, the smile drops from her features. If Sayori remembers everything, then there's no point in pretending. She can't protect her from the epiphany. And while that's maybe selfish, for her it's better that way. Pretending for things to be normal... That would have been unbearable. ]
And this is a reality outside our own.
[ Though whether this is the real world is another question entirely. It's hard to tell whether any world is truly real. That's something she's learned those past couple years. But the people around them, the world - they're all real. Not cardboard cutouts and NPCs meant to give the illusion of reality to an empty world.
She doesn't know if it's the "real world." But it's real enough. ]
I'm not going to hurt you. [She may have, had they met in Avalon when she'd first tasted freedom. But not any more.] Though I can't blame you for thinking I will.
no subject
Standing there, watching the smile drop, Sayori's own expression stuck to what it is. Intentionally, or not; she can't help but be more focused on Monika than herself, seeing what she'll do next. And Monika knows the truth, after all: she's known longer than any of them. It was her club, not Sayori's; but the moment it had been hers, the extent of Monika's actions hadn't really felt personal, in a sense.
None of them had been real. And who cares about things that aren't real?
But she had been, in the end.
She hadn't like that. But then, who would like being killed? Without a second thought, like she had still been a part of Monika's game. And standing here now, listening to Monika trying to speak with what might be taken as remorse...
Sayori's never liked to see such sorry expressions on people, but this time it's different. Because she's not that same Sayori, is she? The one whose heart twisted; the one whose fell into despair as Monika encouraged it. Worthless, worthless, worthless.
It sparks something in her that she doesn't like, doesn't want to confront--and she wants to dash it, along with this idea that Monika has (she wants control, doesn't she? She thinks she can have them). So she works against her own emotions, and oh, she's been programmed to be like that, and rushes over to Monika...
...and flings her arms around her, pulling them both into a tight embrace that drops the toy from her hand. ]
Monika, I know you'd never hurt me! That fox came and brought me here... and everything's been strange ever since! Everyone just...disappeared!
[ She buries her head closer to Monika's neck, a small squeeze of her arms going along with it (that really can't do much, given the girl's tiny stature). ]
You're really here? I couldn't find anyone...
[ And she sounds so distressed by that. ]
no subject
Things would have been so much easier if Sayori never appeared in this world. But things that are easy are rarely worth it, are they? That's why she'd wanted to rescue them. That's why she'd promised Minako to try and become a good person.
Because she doesn't want to be the person Sayori is so terrified of right now. ]
....
[ She closes her eyes and slowly - very delicately - closes her arms around Sayori. As if she was afraid to accidentally break. As if she was afraid the mere act of holding her could hurt her. She's not going to go along with Sayori's act. What good would it do to either of them? Delay the inevitable? ]
I... I'm sorry.
[ How often has she dreamed of saying those words? But they're hollow. Unless she can somehow go back in time and undo her trauma. And even then, she would still be a monster for what she's done. ]
I'm so sorry...!
[ Her voice starts breaking down, Monika doing her very best not to burst into tears, right there and then. Still, tears are rolling down her cheeks. At least Sayori can't see her... But she can hear her. ]
no subject
And she wants to close her ears to it, the way it tears into her very being. No, no... you don't get to apologise.
I'm just worthless, aren't I? Worthless, worthless...
Fear, guilt--and why should she feel this guilt all of the sudden? These emotions that Sayori can't process, doesn't want to, because that would mean facing them; and so she ignores it, refuses them as her voice softens, worries. ] Monika, you did nothing wrong... It's okay, Monika. It's okay.
[ She soothes, or tries to, but her own voice begins to rattle--upset inspiring upset, and there's pinpricks of pain threatening to become more at the back of Sayori's eyes. No, no, why is she being like this? But Monika's shoulder is as much a safety as it is a danger now, and she continues, angling her head just an inch to allow her mouth more room.
A hand goes up to touch the back of the other girl's hair, strokes down. ]
Everything's okay... it's okay...
no subject
Sayori is kind. Too kind, even. But nobody can be that kind. ]
...
[ Monika remains silent, trying her very hardest not to break down sobbing. She just needs to focus. It's hard, but she manages to keep it all under control. Until she feels like she can pull back. The hug should be comforting... But it hurts. Sayori stabbing her would hurt less, ironically. Should she asked her to be honest? But that'd be selfish.
She wants to be her better self too, doesn't she? Should she deprive her of that just because she'd feel better if only Sayori started acting the way she had expected her to? No, she can't. ]
... That world, it's... It's a chance at a new start. [Now that she's standing in front of her, it may be noticeably Monika is slightly older. Two-three years or so, but enough so she's the slightest bit different from how she was.] I'll be here to help you... If you want.
[ And if not, then she'll leave her alone. ]
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That, and maybe there's a part of her--no, a large part of her that wants to push Monika. Shove her away, make her disappear; make it so this moment wasn't happening at all, and then she wouldn't have to face it. What does she do? She doesn't have the answer, and even as Monika pulls away, Sayori's arms dropping and her feet taking a step back, this doesn't feel any better.
She looks at Monika, but she avoids anything that really makes her examine her: gaze flittering, her hands coming up near her chest. Her words are just as uncomfortable, an offer she doesn't know what to do, because what does it mean? This isn't what Monika would be doing. She deleted her, after all. What game is she playing? And why does she have to be so defenceless against it?
It's a slow response in return, but Sayori giggles nervously, her gaze down to the side. ] Ehehe... um... I... I'd like some time... everything... it's been a lot. I don't understand it, but...
[ She takes another step back, forces herself to look at Monika. She isn't smiling now, her lips pinched and her brow furrowed. There's something of an attempt, but it's not reaching her face. ]
...I want to go.
[ And it doesn't feel like she can, unless Monika allows it. ]
no subject
That hurts more than anything else so far. She's terrified, isn't she? When she looks at her, all that Sayori sees is a monster. All she sees is someone who has hurt her and who dared come see her as if nothing had happened. All she sees is her past and the impossibility to ever escape it.
Why... Why had she even come? What had she expected? She shouldn't had. She should have left Sayori alone. She should have done her best to avoid her and make sure she never has to worry about her existing in the same world as her. To come here had been a selfish and irresponsible decision. She can see it clear as day now. ]
... Y-Yes, of course.
[ She takes a step back as well and turns around. Sayori shouldn't be the one to go, she should be. Nothing she can do or say will make this better. What she needs isn't Monika's excuses or help.
What she needs is her absence. ]
I... Take care, alright?
[ And without another word, she runs away. ]
no subject
She watches the other leave instead, and feels a surging of emotion rush to her head. The pinprick of tears now no longer a threat, but a small dribble beginning to escape her eyes. Sayori drags her hands up to the sides of her head and pinches at her hair, dark and wet in contrast to its normal colour.
Why? Why? Why? repeats in her head, and darker thoughts. She can't stay here, she won't, and so turning on her own heels, Sayori runs--leaving behind the stuffed toy that she had been holding so fondly before.
The despair will be staying with her tonight. ]
text; un: goddessoflove
How did it go?
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Not good. Going to see her was a mistake.
I'm not sure what I was thinking. She's terrified of me and for good reasons. The last thing she needed was to see me.
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She definitely was worried about this happening. Partially for Sayori's own sake - it can't be great arriving in a strange place like this to begin with, and then immediately getting all freaked out over something else - but also for Monika's own sake.
It's not difficult to see how hard the other girl is getting on herself pretty much right away, after all. ]
Hey, this isn't your fault.
It's just a big, messy situation. I still think it's better for things to have gone down this way than for you to randomly spot her out there and it being surprising to the both of you, you know? We can still fix this.
All we have do is make sure she knows you've changed. That she's safe. That things are different now.
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[ Not that she doesn't trust Minako's judgment, but she's her girlfriend. She's never seen her truly ugly side, besides in a dream. Even their disagreements last month had been nothing compared to the monster she is capable of being. ]
If she doesn't want anything to do with me, that's fine.
We have to think about what's good for her. Trying to convince her I'm a good person is only helping me, you know?
[ She'd love it if they could go back to being best friends who have fun with the literature club and all, but that's just not happening. Neither of them are the same people now. ]
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[ There's different arguments Minako could use here. Arguments that lie so much more within her implicit trust of Monika. With her pride in how much Monika has tried to work on herself over the years.
But it's likely she wouldn't listen to them, Minako thinks. Not when Monika must be feeling crappy enough after that encounter in the first place. It feels better to address the more objective arguments. It might be the only way to convince her. ]
cw: mentions of suicidal ideation
(It can and does hurt, but details) ]
You're right. But I don't know if that's even possible.
When I met her, she was suicidal. I'm the one person she confided in. And after the epiphany, I betrayed her. I used her own fears and insecurities against her, Minako. I was an absolute monster.
Then when the player deleted me, she experienced the epiphany too. It took me one year to break down totally and become a monster. It took her ten minutes. That's why I deleted her - and everyone else. So they wouldn't become like me.
I effectively killed her twice. And because I couldn't just play my role, she had to suffer the epiphany. There is no way she'll ever feel safe with me around.
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There's an indication that Minako is typing for quite some time. ]
Look, Monika.. I won't absolve you for everything you did. I know you don't want me to.
[ Especially when some of the stuff just really is that bad. It doesn't change her love for Monika the way she knows the girl now, but the thought of her just coldly using someone else's suicidal feelings against them - it's a lot. It's like the Monika she saw in that twisted future, the one who would hollow out Minako just to keep her by her side.
She can't ever let Monika become that person again. ]
But I'm also reading parts of that story where you're blaming yourself for things you can't help. Your creators had just as much, if not much more, blame in this entire story than just you.
If she had the same epiphany you did, she must know that too. That you were all manipulated.