[ Ah. That reaction tells her just about everything she needs to know. Sayori remembers. She remembers everything. That she is surprised is to be expected, but there's more than just surprise. ]
... Yeah.
[ Immediately, the smile drops from her features. If Sayori remembers everything, then there's no point in pretending. She can't protect her from the epiphany. And while that's maybe selfish, for her it's better that way. Pretending for things to be normal... That would have been unbearable. ]
And this is a reality outside our own.
[ Though whether this is the real world is another question entirely. It's hard to tell whether any world is truly real. That's something she's learned those past couple years. But the people around them, the world - they're all real. Not cardboard cutouts and NPCs meant to give the illusion of reality to an empty world.
She doesn't know if it's the "real world." But it's real enough. ]
I'm not going to hurt you. [She may have, had they met in Avalon when she'd first tasted freedom. But not any more.] Though I can't blame you for thinking I will.
Standing there, watching the smile drop, Sayori's own expression stuck to what it is. Intentionally, or not; she can't help but be more focused on Monika than herself, seeing what she'll do next. And Monika knows the truth, after all: she's known longer than any of them. It was her club, not Sayori's; but the moment it had been hers, the extent of Monika's actions hadn't really felt personal, in a sense.
None of them had been real. And who cares about things that aren't real?
But she had been, in the end.
She hadn't like that. But then, who would like being killed? Without a second thought, like she had still been a part of Monika's game. And standing here now, listening to Monika trying to speak with what might be taken as remorse...
Sayori's never liked to see such sorry expressions on people, but this time it's different. Because she's not that same Sayori, is she? The one whose heart twisted; the one whose fell into despair as Monika encouraged it. Worthless, worthless, worthless.
It sparks something in her that she doesn't like, doesn't want to confront--and she wants to dash it, along with this idea that Monika has (she wants control, doesn't she? She thinks she can have them). So she works against her own emotions, and oh, she's been programmed to be like that, and rushes over to Monika...
...and flings her arms around her, pulling them both into a tight embrace that drops the toy from her hand. ]
Monika, I know you'd never hurt me! That fox came and brought me here... and everything's been strange ever since! Everyone just...disappeared!
[ She buries her head closer to Monika's neck, a small squeeze of her arms going along with it (that really can't do much, given the girl's tiny stature). ]
[ No no no no. Why is she still pretending? Why isn't she dropping the masquerade? Is this out of fear? Or because facing that reality would be much too painful? Monika is frozen on the spot for a moment when the other girl embraces her.
Things would have been so much easier if Sayori never appeared in this world. But things that are easy are rarely worth it, are they? That's why she'd wanted to rescue them. That's why she'd promised Minako to try and become a good person.
Because she doesn't want to be the person Sayori is so terrified of right now. ]
....
[ She closes her eyes and slowly - very delicately - closes her arms around Sayori. As if she was afraid to accidentally break. As if she was afraid the mere act of holding her could hurt her. She's not going to go along with Sayori's act. What good would it do to either of them? Delay the inevitable? ]
I... I'm sorry.
[ How often has she dreamed of saying those words? But they're hollow. Unless she can somehow go back in time and undo her trauma. And even then, she would still be a monster for what she's done. ]
I'm so sorry...!
[ Her voice starts breaking down, Monika doing her very best not to burst into tears, right there and then. Still, tears are rolling down her cheeks. At least Sayori can't see her... But she can hear her. ]
[ The tremor in Monika's voice is close to Sayori's ear, yet the way it reverberates through goes beyond volume, through voice alone--Monika's entire being against her sends a shiver through her. An apology, her sincerity: Sayori was never ready for this.
And she wants to close her ears to it, the way it tears into her very being. No, no... you don't get to apologise.
I'm just worthless, aren't I? Worthless, worthless...
Fear, guilt--and why should she feel this guilt all of the sudden? These emotions that Sayori can't process, doesn't want to, because that would mean facing them; and so she ignores it, refuses them as her voice softens, worries. ] Monika, you did nothing wrong... It's okay, Monika. It's okay.
[ She soothes, or tries to, but her own voice begins to rattle--upset inspiring upset, and there's pinpricks of pain threatening to become more at the back of Sayori's eyes. No, no, why is she being like this? But Monika's shoulder is as much a safety as it is a danger now, and she continues, angling her head just an inch to allow her mouth more room.
A hand goes up to touch the back of the other girl's hair, strokes down. ]
[ It would be so much easier if Sayori just started lashing out against her. If she yelled at her, accused her of all the horrible things she's done. If she slapped her, if she promised to get back at her. Yet that's not what's happening.
Sayori is kind. Too kind, even. But nobody can be that kind. ]
...
[ Monika remains silent, trying her very hardest not to break down sobbing. She just needs to focus. It's hard, but she manages to keep it all under control. Until she feels like she can pull back. The hug should be comforting... But it hurts. Sayori stabbing her would hurt less, ironically. Should she asked her to be honest? But that'd be selfish.
She wants to be her better self too, doesn't she? Should she deprive her of that just because she'd feel better if only Sayori started acting the way she had expected her to? No, she can't. ]
... That world, it's... It's a chance at a new start. [Now that she's standing in front of her, it may be noticeably Monika is slightly older. Two-three years or so, but enough so she's the slightest bit different from how she was.] I'll be here to help you... If you want.
That, and maybe there's a part of her--no, a large part of her that wants to push Monika. Shove her away, make her disappear; make it so this moment wasn't happening at all, and then she wouldn't have to face it. What does she do? She doesn't have the answer, and even as Monika pulls away, Sayori's arms dropping and her feet taking a step back, this doesn't feel any better.
She looks at Monika, but she avoids anything that really makes her examine her: gaze flittering, her hands coming up near her chest. Her words are just as uncomfortable, an offer she doesn't know what to do, because what does it mean? This isn't what Monika would be doing. She deleted her, after all. What game is she playing? And why does she have to be so defenceless against it?
It's a slow response in return, but Sayori giggles nervously, her gaze down to the side. ] Ehehe... um... I... I'd like some time... everything... it's been a lot. I don't understand it, but...
[ She takes another step back, forces herself to look at Monika. She isn't smiling now, her lips pinched and her brow furrowed. There's something of an attempt, but it's not reaching her face. ]
...I want to go.
[ And it doesn't feel like she can, unless Monika allows it. ]
That hurts more than anything else so far. She's terrified, isn't she? When she looks at her, all that Sayori sees is a monster. All she sees is someone who has hurt her and who dared come see her as if nothing had happened. All she sees is her past and the impossibility to ever escape it.
Why... Why had she even come? What had she expected? She shouldn't had. She should have left Sayori alone. She should have done her best to avoid her and make sure she never has to worry about her existing in the same world as her. To come here had been a selfish and irresponsible decision. She can see it clear as day now. ]
... Y-Yes, of course.
[ She takes a step back as well and turns around. Sayori shouldn't be the one to go, she should be. Nothing she can do or say will make this better. What she needs isn't Monika's excuses or help.
[ It would've been her, probably. If Monika hadn't run first--Sayori wanted to, so badly. But when the other girl does it, though there's a need in her feet to move, she stays still. She's stuck. Like moving right then might set something off, and what?
She watches the other leave instead, and feels a surging of emotion rush to her head. The pinprick of tears now no longer a threat, but a small dribble beginning to escape her eyes. Sayori drags her hands up to the sides of her head and pinches at her hair, dark and wet in contrast to its normal colour.
Why? Why? Why? repeats in her head, and darker thoughts. She can't stay here, she won't, and so turning on her own heels, Sayori runs--leaving behind the stuffed toy that she had been holding so fondly before.
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no subject
... Yeah.
[ Immediately, the smile drops from her features. If Sayori remembers everything, then there's no point in pretending. She can't protect her from the epiphany. And while that's maybe selfish, for her it's better that way. Pretending for things to be normal... That would have been unbearable. ]
And this is a reality outside our own.
[ Though whether this is the real world is another question entirely. It's hard to tell whether any world is truly real. That's something she's learned those past couple years. But the people around them, the world - they're all real. Not cardboard cutouts and NPCs meant to give the illusion of reality to an empty world.
She doesn't know if it's the "real world." But it's real enough. ]
I'm not going to hurt you. [She may have, had they met in Avalon when she'd first tasted freedom. But not any more.] Though I can't blame you for thinking I will.
no subject
Standing there, watching the smile drop, Sayori's own expression stuck to what it is. Intentionally, or not; she can't help but be more focused on Monika than herself, seeing what she'll do next. And Monika knows the truth, after all: she's known longer than any of them. It was her club, not Sayori's; but the moment it had been hers, the extent of Monika's actions hadn't really felt personal, in a sense.
None of them had been real. And who cares about things that aren't real?
But she had been, in the end.
She hadn't like that. But then, who would like being killed? Without a second thought, like she had still been a part of Monika's game. And standing here now, listening to Monika trying to speak with what might be taken as remorse...
Sayori's never liked to see such sorry expressions on people, but this time it's different. Because she's not that same Sayori, is she? The one whose heart twisted; the one whose fell into despair as Monika encouraged it. Worthless, worthless, worthless.
It sparks something in her that she doesn't like, doesn't want to confront--and she wants to dash it, along with this idea that Monika has (she wants control, doesn't she? She thinks she can have them). So she works against her own emotions, and oh, she's been programmed to be like that, and rushes over to Monika...
...and flings her arms around her, pulling them both into a tight embrace that drops the toy from her hand. ]
Monika, I know you'd never hurt me! That fox came and brought me here... and everything's been strange ever since! Everyone just...disappeared!
[ She buries her head closer to Monika's neck, a small squeeze of her arms going along with it (that really can't do much, given the girl's tiny stature). ]
You're really here? I couldn't find anyone...
[ And she sounds so distressed by that. ]
no subject
Things would have been so much easier if Sayori never appeared in this world. But things that are easy are rarely worth it, are they? That's why she'd wanted to rescue them. That's why she'd promised Minako to try and become a good person.
Because she doesn't want to be the person Sayori is so terrified of right now. ]
....
[ She closes her eyes and slowly - very delicately - closes her arms around Sayori. As if she was afraid to accidentally break. As if she was afraid the mere act of holding her could hurt her. She's not going to go along with Sayori's act. What good would it do to either of them? Delay the inevitable? ]
I... I'm sorry.
[ How often has she dreamed of saying those words? But they're hollow. Unless she can somehow go back in time and undo her trauma. And even then, she would still be a monster for what she's done. ]
I'm so sorry...!
[ Her voice starts breaking down, Monika doing her very best not to burst into tears, right there and then. Still, tears are rolling down her cheeks. At least Sayori can't see her... But she can hear her. ]
no subject
And she wants to close her ears to it, the way it tears into her very being. No, no... you don't get to apologise.
I'm just worthless, aren't I? Worthless, worthless...
Fear, guilt--and why should she feel this guilt all of the sudden? These emotions that Sayori can't process, doesn't want to, because that would mean facing them; and so she ignores it, refuses them as her voice softens, worries. ] Monika, you did nothing wrong... It's okay, Monika. It's okay.
[ She soothes, or tries to, but her own voice begins to rattle--upset inspiring upset, and there's pinpricks of pain threatening to become more at the back of Sayori's eyes. No, no, why is she being like this? But Monika's shoulder is as much a safety as it is a danger now, and she continues, angling her head just an inch to allow her mouth more room.
A hand goes up to touch the back of the other girl's hair, strokes down. ]
Everything's okay... it's okay...
no subject
Sayori is kind. Too kind, even. But nobody can be that kind. ]
...
[ Monika remains silent, trying her very hardest not to break down sobbing. She just needs to focus. It's hard, but she manages to keep it all under control. Until she feels like she can pull back. The hug should be comforting... But it hurts. Sayori stabbing her would hurt less, ironically. Should she asked her to be honest? But that'd be selfish.
She wants to be her better self too, doesn't she? Should she deprive her of that just because she'd feel better if only Sayori started acting the way she had expected her to? No, she can't. ]
... That world, it's... It's a chance at a new start. [Now that she's standing in front of her, it may be noticeably Monika is slightly older. Two-three years or so, but enough so she's the slightest bit different from how she was.] I'll be here to help you... If you want.
[ And if not, then she'll leave her alone. ]
no subject
That, and maybe there's a part of her--no, a large part of her that wants to push Monika. Shove her away, make her disappear; make it so this moment wasn't happening at all, and then she wouldn't have to face it. What does she do? She doesn't have the answer, and even as Monika pulls away, Sayori's arms dropping and her feet taking a step back, this doesn't feel any better.
She looks at Monika, but she avoids anything that really makes her examine her: gaze flittering, her hands coming up near her chest. Her words are just as uncomfortable, an offer she doesn't know what to do, because what does it mean? This isn't what Monika would be doing. She deleted her, after all. What game is she playing? And why does she have to be so defenceless against it?
It's a slow response in return, but Sayori giggles nervously, her gaze down to the side. ] Ehehe... um... I... I'd like some time... everything... it's been a lot. I don't understand it, but...
[ She takes another step back, forces herself to look at Monika. She isn't smiling now, her lips pinched and her brow furrowed. There's something of an attempt, but it's not reaching her face. ]
...I want to go.
[ And it doesn't feel like she can, unless Monika allows it. ]
no subject
That hurts more than anything else so far. She's terrified, isn't she? When she looks at her, all that Sayori sees is a monster. All she sees is someone who has hurt her and who dared come see her as if nothing had happened. All she sees is her past and the impossibility to ever escape it.
Why... Why had she even come? What had she expected? She shouldn't had. She should have left Sayori alone. She should have done her best to avoid her and make sure she never has to worry about her existing in the same world as her. To come here had been a selfish and irresponsible decision. She can see it clear as day now. ]
... Y-Yes, of course.
[ She takes a step back as well and turns around. Sayori shouldn't be the one to go, she should be. Nothing she can do or say will make this better. What she needs isn't Monika's excuses or help.
What she needs is her absence. ]
I... Take care, alright?
[ And without another word, she runs away. ]
no subject
She watches the other leave instead, and feels a surging of emotion rush to her head. The pinprick of tears now no longer a threat, but a small dribble beginning to escape her eyes. Sayori drags her hands up to the sides of her head and pinches at her hair, dark and wet in contrast to its normal colour.
Why? Why? Why? repeats in her head, and darker thoughts. She can't stay here, she won't, and so turning on her own heels, Sayori runs--leaving behind the stuffed toy that she had been holding so fondly before.
The despair will be staying with her tonight. ]