That's usually considered a big step so congratulations once more.
I'll be there within half an hour if that's all right.
[Either way she'll show up at the appropriate time, knocking on the door to let Monika know she's here. She can't say she's looking forward to this conversation, but her expression is fairly normal for her. There's maybe a little anxiety noticeable in her normally polite smile, but she's not terribly worried about how this will go. Just the usual very human concerns about what if she's wrong about that.]
[ Monika on her end was beaming when she opened the door. Ever since the shadow was gone, there had been no troubles whatsoever. But she could tell Kiara looked a tad... Anxious? ]
Hey Kiara, please come in!
[ Unlike the place where she used to live, this was a cozy one-story house, with noticeably large enough doors to make it possible for Soundwave to go in. It was a bit new for Monika. There had been no stairs and no garden in the place she'd taken care of before. The decoration inside was a work in progress, and it seemed Monika was pretty much bringing her style with her. Lots of pink and heart-shaped decorations.
Better than the absolute lack of decoration before her arrival. The picture she and Kiara had made during the party had survived the move! And there were a few more pictures now, noticeably one of Monika with Soundwave. ]
[She'll take a brief moment to look around, her smile brightening a little at the signs of Monika's hand in decorating the house. And she is rather glad to see that picture survived the move, though she also enjoys seeing the pictures of the happy couple as well. It's hard to think of a time before where her friends' happiness would bring her happiness as well, but that's fine, she's glad to experience that now if she hadn't before.]
It's about...well, I suppose I could say it's about one of the new arrivals, but it's really about me. Allow me to start by saying that while you were rather open with me about your situation, I think that it may have been obvious that I wasn't quite as candid with my own. This wasn't out of a desire to hold things back so much as it's...complicated. And I think between my comments on the network and the shadows, it may be equally obvious that I have not had as much control over explaining things as I would like.
[Mercifully her Shadow didn't speak with Monika, she's fortunate that was a headache she didn't have to deal with on top of everything else.]
And while I don't necessarily think that she would go out of her way to slander me unprompted, I thought it best to talk to you first in the event I'm wrong. Both because I would so terribly hate for you to be blindsided by what she could say, and because I do not feel a warning would be proper. I have no interest in cautioning you away from anyone, nor do I want you to feel like you have to be wary of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.
[But most importantly...]
Not to mention her feelings towards me aren't unjustified or untrue.
[ Oh, someone from her homeworld... Monika winced at the mention. She could sympathize. She dreaded the day someone from her reality would be brought here, though perhaps for very different reasons. She listened to Kiara without interrupting her. Yeah, she'd guessed she had not said everything, but that was alright. Different people needed more or less time. ]
Hmm... I didn't go in details, but you know I've done some terrible things back in my homeworld when I was at my lowest. [She looked away.] If Sayori was to appear next month... Well, she may have unkind words for me.
[ Kiara likely had no clue whatsoever who Sayori was, but it was safe to say she was from her homeworld. Monika then smiled warmly, trying to sound comforting. ]
So don't worry, there's no way I'll judge you. [She raised a finger.] We all have sins in our past. What matters is what we're doing now.
Thank you for that, as I've said before, I'm really quite lucky that no one has thought too harshly of my past behaviors. There's been confusion yes, disapproval, yes, but I've found myself fortunate to have not lost any of the friends I've made yet.
[She didn't think that'd be the case today, but once again, those what ifs.]
And I feel the same way really, should she appear here, I would of course hear what she has to say, but there's nothing anyone could say or do to make me rethink our friendship. In regards to this matter though, I haven't actually wronged her, or at least if I have, it hasn't happened yet. As I said it's a bit...complicated.
You're already aware that I am a bit more than I appear to be, but for a time I was even more than that . I'm aware I may not look like much, but for a time I was the biggest threat to my world's continued existence. I won't bludgeon you with the explanations, but comparing it to the final boss in a video game would be a fitting way to think of it.
[She's hoping that explanation makes some sense. And Kiara can't help but feel a bit relieved that she can explain things on her terms here, no bonfire making her overshare, no shadow chiming into add commentary, she gets to explain the situation her way. Honestly, but still, in her own way.]
And as such a creature I have done...a number of truly horrible, truly unforgivable things. You may be disappointed to hear that I do not entirely regret the things I've done, but I cannot say I would entirely like to do them again either. But when it seems like your existence is the only one that's truly real, you can be so incredibly cruel with others.
[There is more, of course. She hasn't gotten into her connection with Kama yet, and she does realize that saying this person hates me but I haven't done anything to her raises more questions, but she's getting there.]
[ It was reassuring knowing Kiara wouldn't think any less of her, should Sayori ever come to this world. Well, there was always a possibility her old friend would say things that even Kiara would find herself unable to forgive, but... That wasn't happening anytime soon, and that wasn't the point of their conversation. So instead of pondering those things, Monika listened intently to everything Kiara had to say.
The explanation made sense but was no less surprising. Of all the things she had thought possible about Kiara, her being a world-ending calamity hadn't been on her list. It was hard to believe, truth to be told. Yet again, who would think Monika had done all those horrible things? Appearances could be deceitful. ]
Hmm... [She closed her eyes for a moment.] Why bother about mindless NPCs? It's like killing some random pedestrian in a video game. You're not actually hurting anyone, just things that imitate life. And if they get in the way of your happiness, why even give it a second thought?
[ Following those words, Monika gave her a sympathetic smile. ]
I'm familiar with that train of thoughts. [She paused.] And sometimes I'm afraid I'd think like that again if I was sent back...
Ah, if I may clarify and take your comparison a bit...further. If we're to think of my victims as NPCs, then what I did was removing any programming constraints they might have, leaving them to act as they chose without inhibition. Towards others and towards myself. I'll attempt some modesty here and spare the details, but rather than obstacles, I would view them as building blocks to my...happiness, I think I'll use the same word you did.
[Not quite the right one, but it will do for now. And there's a frown on Kiara's face while she says this because that's usually the part that confuses people. Once things get into her specific brand of calamity, the explanation tends to go off the rails. But since that's not entirely the goal of her explanation right now, she'll move right along, hopefully taking Monika with her, and sparing both from further elaboration on that topic.]
The reason I tell you this, is that arrival is very much my...I've used the word rival before, and it fits as well as any. She isn't the hero that seeks to save the world or anything, it's more...well, to use a game as an example, think of her as an alternate route. She fulfills much the same role, in different, yet not entirely dissimilar ways. Dissimilar enough though that seeing eye to eye is impossible in most things. So our conflict is more ideological than physical, but on occasion...
[Kiara's expression is a bit strange following that, equal parts unhappiness and amusement. Feeling Kama's flames wasn't really fun, no, but some good came of it? Even if she hasn't actually gotten to the end of that story yet.]
Anyways, it should be said that she is not quite as...tactful as I am. So whereas I can keep my impolite thoughts to myself, she's a bit freer with her words. As I said, my goal is not to caution you away, I think she means no more harm than I do, but to merely provide some context and preparation should Kama decide to voice her opinions on me to you.
[ Remove their inhibitions... She'd spare her the details in an attempt at some modesty... Monika blushed as she realized what she meant, but she nodded. It was in fact eerily similar to what she'd done to her friends before deleting them. She hadn't made Sayori depressed, she'd simply removed everything that kept her depression in check. She hadn't made Yuri obsessive, she'd just amplified her personality.
That said, something didn't seem right. And that was exactly what Kiara feared Monika would think. How was this anything that could bring about the end of the world? Following the visual novel example... Sure, people making sex-oriented stories could be very creative to find ways to make it so lust is somehow relevant in every aspect of the story. But the end of the world? That was pushing it.
Regardless, she didn't question her as the topic move onto her "rival." ]
Your nemesis may fit? Or perhaps your alter ego. [She pitched in when she mentioned rival was a word that fitted.] Well, for all we know I may never meet her. I haven't met half of the gembonded here.
[ Though she had a gut feeling she would meet her... Fate worked in strange ways. ]
So... What is she going to say that worries you? [She closed her eyes and smiled.] That you're the world's final boss?
No, not entirely. Obviously, as it's not something I prefer to go around telling people, but there's a bit more to it...
[Which is what she's struggling with now, that frown reappearing while she tries to figure out the best way to say this. Or to actually express her real concerns here.]
For most of my life, I have not had what would be considered close friends, and most of my friends have unfortunately become aware of this or at least part of this due to things like the bonfire or those unpleasant shadows last month. And perhaps fortunately, the two of us have managed to avoid experiencing those things together.
[She would prefer not to think of how that would've gone, given her shadow and what she can imagine Monika's may have been like.
But now to answer that question which is really perfect. “What is she going to say that worries you?” Because ultimately, it's not so much what Kama could say as it's her worries about what would result from that. A fact not lost on Kiara because it wasn't that long ago that she wouldn't give things like that a second thought. She could say that her contract with Chaldea has changed her, or that this world has changed her, but really, it's more the people she's met here. Not entirely renouncing her old ways, but there are thoughts and concerns and feelings she just didn't have too often before meeting such wonderful people.]
However because of that, you have an incomplete picture of me. And my main worry was that, should you meet her, you would hear disparaging and confusing things about me. And I suppose that it's only human to worry about what might happen then. That you might be hurt by what I hadn't been open about. Or that others knew and you did not. And that I would rather you hear from me instead of someone else. But these may be foolish concerns, as I've said I am a bit new to all of this.
[That frown turns to a slightly ashamed smile here, this is more or less new territory for her, so she is a bit embarrassed by her inexperience with this sort of situation. Though she supposes it isn't an entirely common one, so it's not like anyone could expect her to have much with it.]
[ She saw where Kiara was getting at. She was afraid Monika would be angry or hurt because she hadn't been told the entire truth, while other people had heard of it already. Well, had it been any other world, her fears may have been justified... It could be hurtful, realizing your best friend kept secrets from you and only you.
But she knew how this world had a way to force you to say the truth to people you would never ever wish to say anything. She probably wouldn't have told Kairi or Rena the truth, if not for having been caught crying. ]
I totally understand, don't worry. [She smiled.] I think of you as my best friend, you know? And I'll admit I am a bit of an overemotional mess, so your fears may have been partly justified... [A pause.] But it's normal for friends to keep secrets from each other, I think.
[ Even the closest of friends didn't share everything. Heck, even couples didn't. Of course, Monika preferred to know everything, but she knew it was just part of her problems. At the same time than she wanted to know everything, she also knew sometimes some things were best left unsaid. ]
I haven't told you everything either, because I feel so ashamed of it... And also because you haven't caught me crying and being harassed by my own shadow, ahaha! [An awkward laughter.] So don't you worry about it!
[ She smiled brightly after that. ]
If you ever want to reveal more, do it in your own time. Not because that person may sway my mind. She won't, I promise it.
That's quite kind of you. And that kindness very much extends from me to you as well. I realize that talking about these things can be quite difficult, perhaps I realize it more than most, so if you ever do wish to talk further about those things, I will always be able to listen. Regardless of what anyone else may say.
[More of a smile here, it's really quite nice having a friendship like this. Something she'd missed out on beforehand, though at times she wonders if that was really so bad. Perhaps she wouldn't have appreciated this as much if she'd had such bonds with others before coming to this world. Or maybe she would've, Kiara can't really say.]
And, assuming I can find the right words, I may speak with you further regarding my own past misdeeds.
[Unless of course this world takes that chance from her, but she's going to hope nothing like that happens again any time soon. She's had enough of it for now.]
[ Honestly she could quite easily imagine that Kiara's "world ending" antics could include a number of horrible things and of deaths. The Monika from before the epiphany would have struggled to accepting that, let alone be friend with such a person. But now she knew something most people never realize.
Monsters are humans. Sometimes, more human than most. ]
Please don't mention it. It's my pleasure to help a friend, you know?
[ She tilted her head to the side and smiled. ]
We're both in a better place than we were back on our homeworlds, aren't we? I think it's pretty amazing we've gone so far.
I would say so. Or at least I would like to think so. There are so many more opportunities for myself here. And for others too.
[Others being something she thinks about more and more these days. Not to the point where she's done any serious reflection or thought on that, but this is progress, surely. The fact that others are in her thoughts more often and the fact that she thinks about them irrespective of herself. Not always of course, but sometimes.]
And I find that every time we talk, I am quite thankful to have met you. As I said, I have not had many close friends, but this friendship is something I think I'll always treasure.
[It's good for both of them, and that's not an opinion she has so much as it seems to be quite obviously fact at this point.]
[ It was so strange, and nice, to have friends who hadn't been essentially chosen for her by creator. Of course, there was always the risk another existential crisis would undo all that progress... But Monika wanted to believe that even if someday Noctium would be revealed to be another simulated reality, she wouldn't behave the same way she had before.
She had learned from her mistakes. Or so she hoped. ]
Who knows, maybe you'll even manage to get along with that person— Kama was it? [She admittedly was curious to meet her now— Not to ask her questions about Kiara or anything like that, but just for the sake of curiosity in itself.] Right now it probably sounds totally impossible, but a couple months ago the idea of me talking with my best friend in my boyfriend's house would have sounded too good to be true. Who knows what'll be possible tomorrow?
Put that way, I suppose it's not entirely impossible. Though it would be...difficult. I do hope you wouldn't think less of me if things didn't turn out that way. Or less of her, for that matter.
[Like she told Flat, she doesn't hate Kama. She can't say she wouldn't necessarily enjoy her facing hardship or difficulties, to occasionally delight in others' misfortune is human, but there's no outright hatred here. And she won't go out of her way to cause her problems either. She thinks it would be quite nice if her counterpart could get along with people here too. In her own way of course.]
As you said though, we'll see what tomorrow brings.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'll be there within half an hour if that's all right.
[Either way she'll show up at the appropriate time, knocking on the door to let Monika know she's here. She can't say she's looking forward to this conversation, but her expression is fairly normal for her. There's maybe a little anxiety noticeable in her normally polite smile, but she's not terribly worried about how this will go. Just the usual very human concerns about what if she's wrong about that.]
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Hey Kiara, please come in!
[ Unlike the place where she used to live, this was a cozy one-story house, with noticeably large enough doors to make it possible for Soundwave to go in. It was a bit new for Monika. There had been no stairs and no garden in the place she'd taken care of before. The decoration inside was a work in progress, and it seemed Monika was pretty much bringing her style with her. Lots of pink and heart-shaped decorations.
Better than the absolute lack of decoration before her arrival. The picture she and Kiara had made during the party had survived the move! And there were a few more pictures now, noticeably one of Monika with Soundwave. ]
Are you okay?
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[She'll take a brief moment to look around, her smile brightening a little at the signs of Monika's hand in decorating the house. And she is rather glad to see that picture survived the move, though she also enjoys seeing the pictures of the happy couple as well. It's hard to think of a time before where her friends' happiness would bring her happiness as well, but that's fine, she's glad to experience that now if she hadn't before.]
It's about...well, I suppose I could say it's about one of the new arrivals, but it's really about me. Allow me to start by saying that while you were rather open with me about your situation, I think that it may have been obvious that I wasn't quite as candid with my own. This wasn't out of a desire to hold things back so much as it's...complicated. And I think between my comments on the network and the shadows, it may be equally obvious that I have not had as much control over explaining things as I would like.
[Mercifully her Shadow didn't speak with Monika, she's fortunate that was a headache she didn't have to deal with on top of everything else.]
And while I don't necessarily think that she would go out of her way to slander me unprompted, I thought it best to talk to you first in the event I'm wrong. Both because I would so terribly hate for you to be blindsided by what she could say, and because I do not feel a warning would be proper. I have no interest in cautioning you away from anyone, nor do I want you to feel like you have to be wary of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.
[But most importantly...]
Not to mention her feelings towards me aren't unjustified or untrue.
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Hmm... I didn't go in details, but you know I've done some terrible things back in my homeworld when I was at my lowest. [She looked away.] If Sayori was to appear next month... Well, she may have unkind words for me.
[ Kiara likely had no clue whatsoever who Sayori was, but it was safe to say she was from her homeworld. Monika then smiled warmly, trying to sound comforting. ]
So don't worry, there's no way I'll judge you. [She raised a finger.] We all have sins in our past. What matters is what we're doing now.
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[She didn't think that'd be the case today, but once again, those what ifs.]
And I feel the same way really, should she appear here, I would of course hear what she has to say, but there's nothing anyone could say or do to make me rethink our friendship. In regards to this matter though, I haven't actually wronged her, or at least if I have, it hasn't happened yet. As I said it's a bit...complicated.
You're already aware that I am a bit more than I appear to be, but for a time I was even more than that . I'm aware I may not look like much, but for a time I was the biggest threat to my world's continued existence. I won't bludgeon you with the explanations, but comparing it to the final boss in a video game would be a fitting way to think of it.
[She's hoping that explanation makes some sense. And Kiara can't help but feel a bit relieved that she can explain things on her terms here, no bonfire making her overshare, no shadow chiming into add commentary, she gets to explain the situation her way. Honestly, but still, in her own way.]
And as such a creature I have done...a number of truly horrible, truly unforgivable things. You may be disappointed to hear that I do not entirely regret the things I've done, but I cannot say I would entirely like to do them again either. But when it seems like your existence is the only one that's truly real, you can be so incredibly cruel with others.
[There is more, of course. She hasn't gotten into her connection with Kama yet, and she does realize that saying this person hates me but I haven't done anything to her raises more questions, but she's getting there.]
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The explanation made sense but was no less surprising. Of all the things she had thought possible about Kiara, her being a world-ending calamity hadn't been on her list. It was hard to believe, truth to be told. Yet again, who would think Monika had done all those horrible things? Appearances could be deceitful. ]
Hmm... [She closed her eyes for a moment.] Why bother about mindless NPCs? It's like killing some random pedestrian in a video game. You're not actually hurting anyone, just things that imitate life. And if they get in the way of your happiness, why even give it a second thought?
[ Following those words, Monika gave her a sympathetic smile. ]
I'm familiar with that train of thoughts. [She paused.] And sometimes I'm afraid I'd think like that again if I was sent back...
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[Not quite the right one, but it will do for now. And there's a frown on Kiara's face while she says this because that's usually the part that confuses people. Once things get into her specific brand of calamity, the explanation tends to go off the rails. But since that's not entirely the goal of her explanation right now, she'll move right along, hopefully taking Monika with her, and sparing both from further elaboration on that topic.]
The reason I tell you this, is that arrival is very much my...I've used the word rival before, and it fits as well as any. She isn't the hero that seeks to save the world or anything, it's more...well, to use a game as an example, think of her as an alternate route. She fulfills much the same role, in different, yet not entirely dissimilar ways. Dissimilar enough though that seeing eye to eye is impossible in most things. So our conflict is more ideological than physical, but on occasion...
[Kiara's expression is a bit strange following that, equal parts unhappiness and amusement. Feeling Kama's flames wasn't really fun, no, but some good came of it? Even if she hasn't actually gotten to the end of that story yet.]
Anyways, it should be said that she is not quite as...tactful as I am. So whereas I can keep my impolite thoughts to myself, she's a bit freer with her words. As I said, my goal is not to caution you away, I think she means no more harm than I do, but to merely provide some context and preparation should Kama decide to voice her opinions on me to you.
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That said, something didn't seem right. And that was exactly what Kiara feared Monika would think. How was this anything that could bring about the end of the world? Following the visual novel example... Sure, people making sex-oriented stories could be very creative to find ways to make it so lust is somehow relevant in every aspect of the story. But the end of the world? That was pushing it.
Regardless, she didn't question her as the topic move onto her "rival." ]
Your nemesis may fit? Or perhaps your alter ego. [She pitched in when she mentioned rival was a word that fitted.] Well, for all we know I may never meet her. I haven't met half of the gembonded here.
[ Though she had a gut feeling she would meet her... Fate worked in strange ways. ]
So... What is she going to say that worries you? [She closed her eyes and smiled.] That you're the world's final boss?
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[Which is what she's struggling with now, that frown reappearing while she tries to figure out the best way to say this. Or to actually express her real concerns here.]
For most of my life, I have not had what would be considered close friends, and most of my friends have unfortunately become aware of this or at least part of this due to things like the bonfire or those unpleasant shadows last month. And perhaps fortunately, the two of us have managed to avoid experiencing those things together.
[She would prefer not to think of how that would've gone, given her shadow and what she can imagine Monika's may have been like.
But now to answer that question which is really perfect. “What is she going to say that worries you?” Because ultimately, it's not so much what Kama could say as it's her worries about what would result from that. A fact not lost on Kiara because it wasn't that long ago that she wouldn't give things like that a second thought. She could say that her contract with Chaldea has changed her, or that this world has changed her, but really, it's more the people she's met here. Not entirely renouncing her old ways, but there are thoughts and concerns and feelings she just didn't have too often before meeting such wonderful people.]
However because of that, you have an incomplete picture of me. And my main worry was that, should you meet her, you would hear disparaging and confusing things about me. And I suppose that it's only human to worry about what might happen then. That you might be hurt by what I hadn't been open about. Or that others knew and you did not. And that I would rather you hear from me instead of someone else. But these may be foolish concerns, as I've said I am a bit new to all of this.
[That frown turns to a slightly ashamed smile here, this is more or less new territory for her, so she is a bit embarrassed by her inexperience with this sort of situation. Though she supposes it isn't an entirely common one, so it's not like anyone could expect her to have much with it.]
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But she knew how this world had a way to force you to say the truth to people you would never ever wish to say anything. She probably wouldn't have told Kairi or Rena the truth, if not for having been caught crying. ]
I totally understand, don't worry. [She smiled.] I think of you as my best friend, you know? And I'll admit I am a bit of an overemotional mess, so your fears may have been partly justified... [A pause.] But it's normal for friends to keep secrets from each other, I think.
[ Even the closest of friends didn't share everything. Heck, even couples didn't. Of course, Monika preferred to know everything, but she knew it was just part of her problems. At the same time than she wanted to know everything, she also knew sometimes some things were best left unsaid. ]
I haven't told you everything either, because I feel so ashamed of it... And also because you haven't caught me crying and being harassed by my own shadow, ahaha! [An awkward laughter.] So don't you worry about it!
[ She smiled brightly after that. ]
If you ever want to reveal more, do it in your own time. Not because that person may sway my mind. She won't, I promise it.
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[More of a smile here, it's really quite nice having a friendship like this. Something she'd missed out on beforehand, though at times she wonders if that was really so bad. Perhaps she wouldn't have appreciated this as much if she'd had such bonds with others before coming to this world. Or maybe she would've, Kiara can't really say.]
And, assuming I can find the right words, I may speak with you further regarding my own past misdeeds.
[Unless of course this world takes that chance from her, but she's going to hope nothing like that happens again any time soon. She's had enough of it for now.]
And of course, thank you for hearing my concerns.
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[ Honestly she could quite easily imagine that Kiara's "world ending" antics could include a number of horrible things and of deaths. The Monika from before the epiphany would have struggled to accepting that, let alone be friend with such a person. But now she knew something most people never realize.
Monsters are humans. Sometimes, more human than most. ]
Please don't mention it. It's my pleasure to help a friend, you know?
[ She tilted her head to the side and smiled. ]
We're both in a better place than we were back on our homeworlds, aren't we? I think it's pretty amazing we've gone so far.
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[Others being something she thinks about more and more these days. Not to the point where she's done any serious reflection or thought on that, but this is progress, surely. The fact that others are in her thoughts more often and the fact that she thinks about them irrespective of herself. Not always of course, but sometimes.]
And I find that every time we talk, I am quite thankful to have met you. As I said, I have not had many close friends, but this friendship is something I think I'll always treasure.
[It's good for both of them, and that's not an opinion she has so much as it seems to be quite obviously fact at this point.]
So yes, it all really is quite amazing.
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[ It was so strange, and nice, to have friends who hadn't been essentially chosen for her by creator. Of course, there was always the risk another existential crisis would undo all that progress... But Monika wanted to believe that even if someday Noctium would be revealed to be another simulated reality, she wouldn't behave the same way she had before.
She had learned from her mistakes. Or so she hoped. ]
Who knows, maybe you'll even manage to get along with that person— Kama was it? [She admittedly was curious to meet her now— Not to ask her questions about Kiara or anything like that, but just for the sake of curiosity in itself.] Right now it probably sounds totally impossible, but a couple months ago the idea of me talking with my best friend in my boyfriend's house would have sounded too good to be true. Who knows what'll be possible tomorrow?
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[Like she told Flat, she doesn't hate Kama. She can't say she wouldn't necessarily enjoy her facing hardship or difficulties, to occasionally delight in others' misfortune is human, but there's no outright hatred here. And she won't go out of her way to cause her problems either. She thinks it would be quite nice if her counterpart could get along with people here too. In her own way of course.]
As you said though, we'll see what tomorrow brings.