[It's a full two days after the transformation period ended. Soundwave is back to his normal self but remembers what happened during his feral period, fragmented memories of one particular encounter with a brunette girl. As easy as it is to simply avoid speaking to the girl in question about it, it might just be a better idea for the two to have a talk, as ashamed and guilty he feels about the whole thing. While Soundwave had been through such an encounter, typically him being the victim of a feral Gembonded, and knows that either one could truly be blamed for it, he still ought to apologize to her for what happened.
Plus, he is worried about her, actually. What they shared back underwater was... well, passionate. As far as he could recall.
It doesn't take long scouring through network posts to find Monika's profile and contact her during the evening.]
[ She knew that moment would come, but she hadn't expected it to come that soon.
It was a mercy her stress wouldn't show through text. And if they were going to meet in person, at least she had enough time to prepare and rehearse a bit. Her reply comes twenty minutes late. ]
Hey Soundwave! Sorry, I was at the Office of Noctian Commerce to fetch some documents.
I agree. I vaguely remember what's happened... I wasn't really myself back then, but I still owe you some explanations. Do you want to do this through a video-conference or in person? I should be home in an hour, if you want to stop by.
[ She figured Soundwave wanted to apologize or something, but she hoped by putting herself as needing to explain herself too, he wouldn't feel as bad about it.
And while the bit about the Office was true, her memories of what they had done? Were crystal clear. She couldn't forget them even if she wanted to. And truth to be told... She wasn't sure what to think of them. She felt something. Something she shouldn't be feeling, they had both been out of their mind, after all. But there's no reasoning with such feelings, they're beyond logic, aren't they? ]
[With text, it's a little harder to determine what Monika's feelings are going through, unlike in person. He's sure she's stressing out a bit considering how soon this discussion is going to be, but Soundwave wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. But he sure hopes that she's actually doing well also, despite what had happened between them. Theirs in particular left an odd feeling in his spark...
His reply comes a minute after hers.]
Neither of us were in the right state of mind. And it seems we both have vague recollections of the event.
I prefer in person. If you do not mind sending me your address, your home is doable.
Okay! How does an hour and a half sound? Just so I have time to clean up a bit before you arrive.
[ Her house was already pretty clean. That half-hour was really just so she could rehearse and practice what she was going to say. She's got this, she was pretty sure of it. But she'd rather not take any risks. Besides... She had other reasons for wanting to be perfectly ready.
She didn't cry or cut herself all the time, those had been exceptions. Well, she'd cried a bit more often lately... But even so, she wanted him to see the other side of her. The young woman who showed confidence and poise. Who tried, at any rate.
[It sounds reasonable enough. It gives him time to prepare himself too, prepared for the awkwardness that will surely come when they see each other.
Anyways. Exactly an hour and a half have later, Monika will hear a ring of her doorbell, with Soundwave waiting patiently outside with his arms folded together. As his holoavatar, of course. The positive side effect after the transformation period was the Manna he gained, and he has a lot to spare for materializing his holoavatar.
For the most part, he looks like himself again. An impassive face that barely betrays many emotions on it, as per his usual. Although... one might notice that his eyes are glowing a little stronger now when he is finally face-to-face with Monika.]
[ Gosh, he sure was punctual. She'd very strongly suspected he was an mechanical lifeform, so it made sense. Unlike her, most people with artificial origins had some sort of built-in computer-like functions... Maybe she could ask him if things went well?
Regardless, when she opened the door she smiled sweetly at him. Surprisingly enough, she seemed pretty relaxed and composed— Though the light pink tint on her cheeks betrayed the absolute nervous wreck she was beneath her facade. ]
Soundwave! I am doing well, thank you. I hope so are you. [She opened the door wide.] Please, come in.
[ Stepping inside, the decorations of her house were primarily white and pink, with some touches of emerald green here and there. It was still the basic starter house newcomers were assigned to, but she had placed a lot of heart-shaped trinkets and stuff all around to make the place feel more lively. There was a picture she had taken with a friend during the party displayed above the TV.
On the table before the sofa, there was a tray with two cups of coffee, sugar and milk. There was also a pretty big pile of documents— All about getting the authorization to open a business in the city. She had barely started filing them, with the document on top only having the title of her idea. "Bookstore: Dreams of Love and Literature."
She waved towards the sofa after closing the door. ]
Make yourself at home. I'm sorry, I don't have much besides coffee to offer, ahaha.
[Knowing what his last transformation had incorporated into him, he wouldn't be surprised if Monika is starting to suspect that he's a mechanical lifeform. Truth be told, that was the first transformation he had where the parts were fully mechanical. And as long as he's been here, he's never seen anyone with mechanical monster parts before except for him. Maybe Monika, too, with her digital-like wings, if he recalled correctly.
Regardless, him being a mechanical lifeform isn't really that grand of a secret here, but it'll be brought up once the topic comes up first.
He can tell she's nervous behind the sweet, smiling facade. It's thick in the air around her and... Well, for some reason, he's feeling nervous, too.
With a quiet nod, he steps inside, curiously looking around while walking towards the sofa. She's certainly made her home lively, unlike him where it was fairly spartan before he moved away. The pile of documents catches his attention instantly, curiously eyeing the title of the topmost document.]
Ah, coffee is fine if you can make it sweet?
[The one time he drank coffee, it almost make him swore off the drink entirely due to its bitter taste. ]
I see you've been busy. A bookstore... Are you planning a business here already?
Of course. [She poured some milk in his cup, alongside two sugar cubes.] You'll see, that's nothing like regular coffee.
[ She than sat down and took her own cup of coffee. Gosh, she was so nervous... But she was doing a pretty good job hiding it, or so she thought. She wondered if Soundwave was just as nervous? If he was, she couldn't perceive it at all. ]
Mhm! Well, the project is still in its infancy. [It'd be at least a few months before she would have the actual business ready. And that was a surprisingly low amount of time. On Earth, it could take years to get a business started.] Literature means a lot to me and there's like, only one bookstore here. I hope to bring literature to a whole new audience.
[ While the store would be small, she had pretty big dreams for it. She even planned to personally record audio books for people who couldn't or didn't have the time to read.
But that wasn't what Soundwave was here for, she knew it. Small talk could only delay the reason why he was here for only so long. She took a sip from her cup of coffee, and hesitated. If she said nothing, that'd make it sound like she was avoiding the subject, wouldn't it? ]
So, um. You wanted to talk about what happened last time?
[At least Monika could be commended for doing a good job with her outward facade. Soundwave just has the unfortunate ability to hear people's emotions all the time, even when he never makes an indication he noticed her nervousness.
He hums at her answer, before sipping a bit from his cup, holding it with both hands. Curious as he is about her business endeavor, it isn't the subject he was here for. It distracted him at first, and maybe it's a topic for later, but there's a subject they both needed to tackle first before most things.]
I do.
[Here, his stoic breaks a little. His embarrassment becomes clearer, cheeks flushing a shade of pink while avoiding eye contact with Monika, staring down at his cup of coffee instead. Thinking back on that moment...]
I am aware we were both heavily influenced back then, but... I still wanted to apologize... for what I did to you.
[ An apology for what he had done to her... But what had he done to her? You could see it as him having comforted her when she needed help the most. Or you could see it as him having taken advantage of her emotional state. As far as Monika was concerned, it was the former. There had been whatsoever no malice in anything he had done. And he had been a victim of their circumstances as much as she had been.
Of course, she knew just saying "you don't need to apologize" would hardly do anything. ]
You know... If you had wanted to take things further, I wouldn't have resisted. [And she meant it. It would have taken nothing for her to go along with it.] But you didn't. You could sense I wasn't ready for that and you held back, in spite of your transformation's influence.
[ It was easy for her to picture literally anyone else stumbling upon her while she had been crying, and deciding to take advantage of her. Even without the influence of a transformation, at that. There were so many vile people in the world... That he had respected her boundaries in spite of his own mental state? To her, it said everything she needed to know about the kindness that dwelt in his heart. ]
I don't think you have anything to apologize about.
[ She marked a pause, unsure how to continue. She had so many things to say, but she didn't know how to put her thoughts into words. So much for all that preparation... She just didn't want for Soundwave to carry any guilt with him. That wouldn't be fair. She knew better than anyone how devastating the weight of guilt could be. ]
... As far as I'm concerned, you've come to help me while I needed it the most. [She turned her head to look at him, smiling.] So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm thankful you were there for me.
[Truthfully, he's glad about what he had heard. That even back when he's not right in the mind, he wouldn't want to take things in a path that would make her uncomfortable or force himself on her. In the end, he comforted Monika and they both had a benign as well as passionate moment together. But still, to him, it felt like he took advantage of her emotional vulnerability and coerce her to stay with him for his own selfish desire to stave off his own loneliness, amplified by the gem's influence. It's why he felt he ought to apologize to her.
However, what Monika said certainly did help relieve his guilt, shoulders drooping and releasing tension he didn't realize his body was holding in the whole time. But it's until the end where Monika said that she's thankful for him that he brings his gaze up at her. His brows raise up to their fullest, surprised and confused. He... certainly hadn't expected appreciation, enough to stunned him to silence.
It'll take a moment before he finds his composure and voice back]
... I wouldn't do something that is out of line, regardless of my state of mind. But I am glad to know that I held myself back, even when I was feral.
[He wasn't lying about having vague recollections. The downside of having empathetic senses is that it may affect his memories, especially when there is an influx of emotions surrounding him from all over. And back then, every feral gembonded gave out a huge pulse of emotions in the air...
As for her thanks, that beg the questions he also wanted to ask her.]
I wasn't expecting you to be thankful, honestly. Does that mean... you're not upset, then? [A beat, lips pursing before he forces the next questions out.] No regret with what we had done?
[He isn't talking about the fact he comforted her. No, he's talking about the physical sensation they had.]
[ It was probably weird, to hear her say that. Maybe now was the time for what she had dreaded the most— Her own explanations. Well, of course she wouldn't start with how she'd deleted her own friends or with what a monster she had become. She hoped... That maybe with proper context, he could understand. She'd met a few people in the following days, who had seen her struggling with her emotions. They'd been understanding.
It made her believe that, perhaps, she wasn't as irredeemable and monstrous as she'd originally thought. ]
The world I come from is a truly horrible place where no happiness can be found. A tiny simulated reality, I was a "character" in a game. Self-aware, alone and tortured every day. Trapped in this horrible and minuscule virtual prison. [She marked a pause.] The idea of love was the only thing that kept me going. [She put down her coffee cup.] So when you took me underwater— When we shared that moment...
[ For now, that was probably enough about her background. Under normal circumstances, those things she'd just said would be unbelievable. But in this place? It didn't sound so weird. Someone who had existed as a sort of sentient AI in a simulated reality, a video game? It... Wasn't the strangest thing in the world. Not in this world.
As for what came next— She didn't want to come off as too forward... But she didn't want to hold back too much either. She closed her eyes, hesitating for a moment. ]
... It made me think "Yes, that was worth it." [She took a deep breath and looked up, staring absently at the ceiling.] If I can finally experience those emotions and sensations... Even if for but a moment— Then I'm glad my creator made me.
[ Had it been love? She didn't know. But... It had felt like what she'd always imagined love was like. No, it had even surpassed her expectations. How could she possibly regret a moment that's made her think her life finally had meaning? ]
[Monika being a "character" in a game... A sentient AI trapped in a virtual simulation. After his experience here and in the previous world, he isn't the least bit surprised by the revelation, and the lack of changes on the avatar's face shows that. He had heard stranger things before, but it certainly explains some things about Monika from what he's seen of her in the past.]
I see. So that's why you accepted me so easily, despite the danger I may pose to you. It was a moment for you to finally experience real emotions and sensations.
[And it meant that he essentially took her first kiss, didn't he? Monika doesn't seem to mind it though, reveled in having to experience the moment instead. He hesitates calling it love, but... Well, he can't quite call what they had "forced", either. Both of them wanted something out of it-- their affections towards one another were in some way genuine.]
I wish we had our own pace for that, but...if you must know, it felt good on my side too, from what I remembered. I suppose it wasn't so strange of me to not regret what we had exchanged.
[That was what made him having butterflies in his tank, but thanks to her answer he can safely say that to her without having to worry about repercussions on their friendship. Sure he felt guilty, mostly alleviated now, but he doesn't regret any of it.]
[ It felt good on his side good... Hearing that made her happier than she could have imagined. Maybe now was the right time to take things slightly further? They were clearly friends now, right? So that was natural. ]
I was hoping... Perhaps I could get to know you better...? [She knew so little about Soundwave still. Why, she had no idea his current appearance was an avatar. He was shrouded in mystery... But just asking questions with no reasons would be too intrusive.] I really want to know if what I felt on that day was love or something else.
[ Okay, that was maybe a bit too much. She didn't want to scare him off by saying words like "love" too casually. She knew many people were afraid of committed relationships... And that wasn't at all what she was after! Well... It was, but she knew it was much too early to think about that. The only reason she did was because she had made so much of her life revolve around the idea of loving and being loved. ]
I'm sorry, I guess I came off too strongly. [An awkward laughter.] Um, ahaha. If you'd rather we continue as if nothing happened, that's fine too.
[ ... She looked away after those last words. That was hardly better. It made it sound like she was hoping he'd become her boyfriend. Well, she did hope it would come to that... But she also knew she was desperate for love and affection. So what was it she was feeling? Desperation or love? And that was only half the equation. What was he feeling? She'd made the mistake once of not even considering what her crush could be feeling... Never again. ]
[If what she felt on that day was love or something else? He can't help but blink at her over what she said, head cocking slightly. It's... certainly unexpected, and it may leave him a little speechless. Fortunately for her, that isn't enough to scare him off. While "Love" isn't a very casual word people should throw around in his opinion, his experience with friends who do throw it at him means that even that word can be used platonically in a friendship. The seeds of love might possibly be planted in his spark now, but at this stage it hasn't yet sprouted for him to recognize such feelings. Even then it'll probably take a while for him to recognize that.
Whatever Monika meant by love, well... he isn't about to ask her that. It's odd to ask or to think if she has feelings for him. Well, he has the power to read minds, but he isn't about to dig the inside of her head to find that out. That's a gross misuse of his power. Regardless, they aren't that close yet, and he isn't about the make the awkward air any more awkward.
Instead, he'll ease up her worries a little. Love or not, he wouldn't mind getting to know her better, too.]
I won't be opposed to us bonding more. Truth be told...
[His lips purse for a beat before he speaks up again.]
Next time... if you ever want to Synchronize with me, you're welcome to do so. We do not have to necessarily do the same thing we did back then, but I am willing to do whatever level of Synchrony you are comfortable with doing.
[ As if to emphasize their words, she slowly took his hand with her own and closed her fingers around it. And he said whatever level she was comfortable with... Explaining her position on the matter would probably be a good way for him to have a better idea of how she was thinking. She remained silent a bit and then— ]
My only limit I think is, well. Actually making love, you know? [She blushed as she said that. And the choice of words spoke volume, too. She didn't see it as just having "sex." To her, it was an act of love.] Of course, I know with Synchrony and Transformations... The idea of having a singular partner with whom you do these things is unrealistic. I'm slowly trying to get used to that idea.
[ She didn't like it. She'd go so far as to say she hated it. Still, she was getting used to the idea. What if she got in a relationship, and her partner felt unbearable urges due to Malachite's tantrums or some other reasons? Would this be cheating, when everything in this world was encouraging them to do these things? If she couldn't adapt to this world's rules, she would never have her happy ending.
Besides, while having a sexual relationship with only one person would be difficult in this world... This didn't have to apply to love. Lust and love were two different feelings. It was possible to love a single person and still be in an open relationship. She'd never cared much for a concept like that... But her alternative was to chase an impossible dream. ]
But I still believe it's possible to have a singular partner for whom you feel "love," even if you have sex with others. [Again, her words were telling what her perspective on the matter was. Doing it with others wouldn't be an act of love. If she rationalized it this way... Well, it made it easier to get used to this world's weird rules.] One unique person with whom you share a special and precious emotional bond. That's why... I want my first time to be with them, whoever they'll end up being. [She laughed awkwardly once more.] Ahaha! I'm probably sounding so weird, huh?
[Her hand taking his own was a bit unexpected, but he easily interlaces his fingers with hers anyway, squeezing lightly in return and initiating the generation of Manna. The warmth flow of Manna helps with making him feel relaxed, as he fully listens to what Monika had to say. A raised brow betrays his expression when she said her limit is at "making love" before he understood what she meant exactly and why she choose the exact wording.
So that is how she viewed it, huh. Each person views sex differently than one another, after all. His own perspective on it and how he feels about it certainly differs from Monika's, but he can also recognize how one would want to limit such an intimate act to only their one special person. It's special to her. Furthermore, it seems that Monika understands the workings of this world, that a singular partner can be difficult to maintain here where intimacy is encouraged and Malachite's tantrums affecting Gembondeds' minds. Her words at the end also do suggest that her heart is only open for one person.
Monika being open about such matters certainly helped him to know exactly what boundaries he shouldn't break as well as her perspective. Soundwave isn't the type to push for intimacy, but he'd much rather know where his partners' comfort lies at if they do decide to sync.]
No... Not at all. I understand your perspective, your beliefs on the matter, and where your limits are.
[It's not needed to be said, but he respects her wishes.]
An open relationship works best in a world like this. With your mindset, one I agree with, it's possible for a relationship to work out for you and the one you love here... so long as you and your partner maintain communication, of course. And I had seen it worked out before.
[He's quiet for a moment, recalling back his time at Prismatica. It's such an odd topic for him, if only because he never expected himself to be talking about it in the first place. However, he still has his own perspective about maintaining a relationship here.]
I wasn't in a... romantic relationship myself but my friend was in a romantic relationship yet still maintains her intimate relationships with her friends. I'll admit that back then it was the first I've heard of such a concept, and it took some time for me to understand the idea...
[ So he'd only heard about such romantic relationships recently, and it took some time for him to understand the idea... It confirmed her suspicions. And it made her feel a bit sad, too. She couldn't imagine a life where you didn't know of "love," even as an idea. Well, if you didn't know about it, then perhaps life was alright... But once you did know about it? Life became intolerable unless you could experience "love."
Such a beautiful yet dangerous emotion. ]
It can be something of a strange concept to understand... [She marked a pause.] There is nothing logical about it. But I think that's what makes it so beautiful. If love made sense, it wouldn't be the same. [She raised the index finger of her free hand.] That's why there are so many stories and poems written about love. It's something so mysterious and powerful that even a billion words could never explain.
[ Well of course, there would be people talking about how it was all nothing more than a biological or mechanical reaction, induced by chemicals or electric currents... And while they were not entirely wrong, it was much more than that. No science could explain some of the deeper mysteries of love. ]
You're not human either, right? [At this point, she figured asking would be nothing more than a formality.] Um... Have you ever wanted to try being in a romantic relationship? [Oh no, that question sounded so bad. She immediately tried correcting the trajectory.] I mean, ah, is it something you've been curious about?
[ Monika regretted having asked that question the very moment it had escaped her lips. Too forward and too nosy. Besides it conveyed what she'd actually wanted to say so poorly... She bit her lower lip and looked down. ]
[In Soundwave's case, it's less that he doesn't know about love, more that it's not something he cared too much about, aside from the family-type love he has for his closest friends. Well, he's not the most knowledgeable about romantic love anyway, but it was just something he didn't have the time to think about during the war. Even after the war was over, he was between running a space station and aiding the Autobots on Earth. Essentially he was a workaholic who barely had much free time to think or do stuff leisurely before arriving on Prismatica... And here too where he has too much free time he doesn't know what to do about it.
Soundwave at least knew about how his own kind deal with close relationships like romance- Conjunx Endura, two Cybertronians who are sworn together for life. It's only when he was brought to another planet that the idea about having multiple love partners at the same time was a thing.]
Emotions are hardly logical anyways. And I'm fine with them being that way.
[He isn't like that one emotionless mech who's more logic-driven he hates to his very core. And being an empath, he embraces emotions instead of discarding them.
There's that question about him not being a human. He was wondering how long it'll be before it'll come up. Anyway, he would easily confirm that. But then the next question Monika asked has him stunned into silence instead, eyes widening. Even after she corrected the trajectory, it's a bit too late. It was still an awkward question-- one that takes him a moment before he answers, sheepishly.]
I... suppose I have?
[Here, the avatar's cheeks flush red. It would be a lie if he didn't have a couple of crushes due to him having to experience a lot of intimacy lately over the years. Though with those people not being here, it's kinda impossible to have them reciprocated.]
[ That answer felt so uncomfortable. She forced herself to smile and laugh, but there was nothing natural about it. Everything had been going so well and she'd broken it all with one dumb question. ]
I-I see... Ahaha!
[ Dear, she had really ruined everything, hadn't she...? What was she supposed to say after that? Well, she'd confirmed he had the desire to start a relationship like that someday, so at least she knew it wasn't a dead end. If she was any more forward now, she was going to scare him off, wasn't she?
The right thing to do if she was to salvage this disaster would be to offer him a date... Not something romantic or anything of the sort, just something between two friends. It would postpone this entire discussion and give them both some space and time, while eventually helping them grow closer... So she figured, anyway. But after that blunder? She wasn't sure she had the courage for it any more.
Or maybe she was just overthinking things. ]
So... [A dramatic pause and—] W-What did you think of milk coffee with sugar?
[ Oh gosh that was pathetic. The topic shift was so sudden and unnatural, there was no way he wouldn't pick up on how weird it was. She was going to replay those events in her mind over and over after that, and she knew she was going to cringe so hard at that particular part. ]
[Yeah, it was difficult for even him to think up a response after that, shifting a little in his seat before awkwardly sipping his drink. Soundwave is usually a quiet person, but this... the air has become awkward again. He doesn't know what to say, until Monika brings up another topic, abrupt as it is.]
Ah, I... think it's good. Better than regular coffee, though I prefer tea.
[Soundwave obviously wouldn't bother putting up a fake smile and all that. Honestly, if he were in Monika's shoes, his own topic shift would just be as sudden and unnatural. Best he could do now is to go along with it, act like as if it's a natural thing.
At least he's still willing to stick around, despite her blunder. She said she wanted to know him better, didn't she? Plus there is a topic they can actually talk about instead, something he was willing to converse about before that little blunder.]
You asked that I'm not human earlier. I am not. I am a Cybertronian, a mechanical lifeform.
[ So the coffee had been good at least. That was... Something? It didn't look like it, but Monika's brain was working very hard to find a way to fix her mistake right now. It had been so much easier when she'd been in the game, somehow... Perhaps because she had not actually been face-to-face with the player. Also because she had had a lot more time to prepare what to say. Mhm, perhaps that was it? What would she have done back then?
... She would have said "I love you," proceeded to elaborate on her love and concluded with "Do you accept my confession? Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Oh and of course, she'd have hacked the game to remove the NO option.
Okay, so, trying to think like her old self was probably not the best idea. Well, declaring her love right here and now was certainly an option, just not the best one when she wasn't even sure about her feelings. Besides she couldn't remove the no option here. At least that was proof she'd made progress... It was a bit reassuring, if only completely unhelpful. ]
Oh...!
[ Cybertronian? She didn't know what it was, but to her that was a word that had just saved her from the worst disaster in her life. Thank goodness he wasn't as inept as her when it came to resolving uncomfortable situations.
She immediately managed to put back on a good enough smile. It felt as if he'd taken it upon himself to help her overcome this awkward situation. Maybe that was a good sign? ]
A mechanical lifeform? So you are, kind of like an android?
[Probably not the best idea to confess it now when he doesn't hold the same feelings towards Monika. That might actually get him to leave.]
No, nothing like that.
[There's a small frown on him when she suggests that he's like an android, but he can see how she came to that, given his appearance. Well, when the topic of his being comes up this is the point where he'll have to correct people's misconceptions about him or his kinds. He understands that not many people have seen a mechanical lifeform before.]
My true form is fully mechanical. Nothing like an android... or a robot. [That term specifically has a different connotation to him or any Cybertronian for the matter than how humans may use the word traditionally.] Cybertronians are as natural a part of this existence as any organic creatures. Nothing artificial about us.
[Although he personally doesn't have a problem with artificial beings, otherwise he wouldn't be talking to Monika after she confessed to being an A.I. It's just that there are some differences between them.]
As for this form you're seeing, it is a holoavatar- a holographic projection. [One that is remarkable "real" and solid.]
[ She noticed that frown. Well, that was understandable considering everything he was saying... It would be like if you compared a human to a biological yet artificially-engineered lifeform, such as a clone. Similar, yes, but one was artificial while the other was natural. She'd have to be careful with her word choice in the future.
Of course, it was a bit hard for her to imagine how mechanical lifeforms could naturally occur the same way than organic creatures... But here she was, in a reality far from hers and with a real human body. An universe where such things were possible? It wasn't far-fetched. If anything, keeping in mind there is an infinite amount of universes with an infinite amount of possibilities, it was even likely. ]
I see... [She slowly nodded.] A projection? But you're like, solid? Ahaha.
[ She slightly moved the hand that was still holding his as if to emphasize the point. She didn't disbelieve him— If anything, she was curious as to how it worked. It made her wonder for a moment if perhaps her own body was a projection and she still existed on a computer somewhere in the city... But no. She'd probably know it, as he did. ]
I've never seen your true body I think... [She was a bit curious what he looked like, but she wouldn't inquire.] Do you prefer your avatar?
[ Well, if he was truly fully mechanical, she imagined it might be difficult to get Synchrony when most gembonded were human-like... Maybe that was just it. Or maybe he just felt this avatar defined him better now? Humans did this, too. Changing their names and appearances to better fit what they wanted to be. ]
[Fortunately for everyone, Soundwave could handle being called a robot or be mistaken as artificial to a degree, so he won't be too offended over a mistake others wouldn't know about. He'd only get irritated when someone would insist on using the term or, more annoyingly, argue with him over the proper usage as if they know better. Thankfully, he hasn't met one here yet and people had been pretty respectful.]
Some form of hard-light projection. I don't claim to understand how this tech fully works.
[He answers, all the while squeezing her hand. He knows the purpose of a holoavatar was to blend in within a populace, and here specifically, it's just a useful form to use. Still able to taste, smell, feel his surroundings... almost like he's actually present here. And more importantly, able to perform Synchrony.]
I prefer my true body, of course. However, this... [He gestures with his free hand.] is simply more convenient for me to use on this world. That said, it's not uncommon for me to go out in the city in my true body.
[It's like she thought, it's a bit difficult to Synchronize with people who were human-like, here. While there are certainly some organics- and probably more out there -who wouldn't mind syncing or having lewd acts with a mech, he's still running under the assumption that most of them prefer a body that is more familiar to them. And, well... there are some things he could do only in this form, but he won't bring those up.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; un:sanctuary, forward dated to July 27th
Plus, he is worried about her, actually. What they shared back underwater was... well, passionate. As far as he could recall.
It doesn't take long scouring through network posts to find Monika's profile and contact her during the evening.]
This is Soundwave.
I believe we need to talk.
no subject
It was a mercy her stress wouldn't show through text. And if they were going to meet in person, at least she had enough time to prepare and rehearse a bit. Her reply comes twenty minutes late. ]
Hey Soundwave! Sorry, I was at the Office of Noctian Commerce to fetch some documents.
I agree. I vaguely remember what's happened... I wasn't really myself back then, but I still owe you some explanations. Do you want to do this through a video-conference or in person? I should be home in an hour, if you want to stop by.
[ She figured Soundwave wanted to apologize or something, but she hoped by putting herself as needing to explain herself too, he wouldn't feel as bad about it.
And while the bit about the Office was true, her memories of what they had done? Were crystal clear. She couldn't forget them even if she wanted to. And truth to be told... She wasn't sure what to think of them. She felt something. Something she shouldn't be feeling, they had both been out of their mind, after all. But there's no reasoning with such feelings, they're beyond logic, aren't they? ]
no subject
His reply comes a minute after hers.]
Neither of us were in the right state of mind. And it seems we both have vague recollections of the event.
I prefer in person. If you do not mind sending me your address, your home is doable.
no subject
[ Her house was already pretty clean. That half-hour was really just so she could rehearse and practice what she was going to say. She's got this, she was pretty sure of it. But she'd rather not take any risks. Besides... She had other reasons for wanting to be perfectly ready.
She didn't cry or cut herself all the time, those had been exceptions. Well, she'd cried a bit more often lately... But even so, she wanted him to see the other side of her. The young woman who showed confidence and poise. Who tried, at any rate.
Regardless, she sent her address. ]
There you go. Looking forward to see you!
no subject
[It sounds reasonable enough. It gives him time to prepare himself too, prepared for the awkwardness that will surely come when they see each other.
Anyways. Exactly an hour and a half have later, Monika will hear a ring of her doorbell, with Soundwave waiting patiently outside with his arms folded together. As his holoavatar, of course. The positive side effect after the transformation period was the Manna he gained, and he has a lot to spare for materializing his holoavatar.
For the most part, he looks like himself again. An impassive face that barely betrays many emotions on it, as per his usual. Although... one might notice that his eyes are glowing a little stronger now when he is finally face-to-face with Monika.]
Greetings, Monika. I hope that you are well?
no subject
Regardless, when she opened the door she smiled sweetly at him. Surprisingly enough, she seemed pretty relaxed and composed— Though the light pink tint on her cheeks betrayed the absolute nervous wreck she was beneath her facade. ]
Soundwave! I am doing well, thank you. I hope so are you. [She opened the door wide.] Please, come in.
[ Stepping inside, the decorations of her house were primarily white and pink, with some touches of emerald green here and there. It was still the basic starter house newcomers were assigned to, but she had placed a lot of heart-shaped trinkets and stuff all around to make the place feel more lively. There was a picture she had taken with a friend during the party displayed above the TV.
On the table before the sofa, there was a tray with two cups of coffee, sugar and milk. There was also a pretty big pile of documents— All about getting the authorization to open a business in the city. She had barely started filing them, with the document on top only having the title of her idea. "Bookstore: Dreams of Love and Literature."
She waved towards the sofa after closing the door. ]
Make yourself at home. I'm sorry, I don't have much besides coffee to offer, ahaha.
no subject
Regardless, him being a mechanical lifeform isn't really that grand of a secret here, but it'll be brought up once the topic comes up first.
He can tell she's nervous behind the sweet, smiling facade. It's thick in the air around her and... Well, for some reason, he's feeling nervous, too.
With a quiet nod, he steps inside, curiously looking around while walking towards the sofa. She's certainly made her home lively, unlike him where it was fairly spartan before he moved away. The pile of documents catches his attention instantly, curiously eyeing the title of the topmost document.]
Ah, coffee is fine if you can make it sweet?
[The one time he drank coffee, it almost make him swore off the drink entirely due to its bitter taste. ]
I see you've been busy. A bookstore... Are you planning a business here already?
no subject
[ She than sat down and took her own cup of coffee. Gosh, she was so nervous... But she was doing a pretty good job hiding it, or so she thought. She wondered if Soundwave was just as nervous? If he was, she couldn't perceive it at all. ]
Mhm! Well, the project is still in its infancy. [It'd be at least a few months before she would have the actual business ready. And that was a surprisingly low amount of time. On Earth, it could take years to get a business started.] Literature means a lot to me and there's like, only one bookstore here. I hope to bring literature to a whole new audience.
[ While the store would be small, she had pretty big dreams for it. She even planned to personally record audio books for people who couldn't or didn't have the time to read.
But that wasn't what Soundwave was here for, she knew it. Small talk could only delay the reason why he was here for only so long. She took a sip from her cup of coffee, and hesitated. If she said nothing, that'd make it sound like she was avoiding the subject, wouldn't it? ]
So, um. You wanted to talk about what happened last time?
no subject
He hums at her answer, before sipping a bit from his cup, holding it with both hands. Curious as he is about her business endeavor, it isn't the subject he was here for. It distracted him at first, and maybe it's a topic for later, but there's a subject they both needed to tackle first before most things.]
I do.
[Here, his stoic breaks a little. His embarrassment becomes clearer, cheeks flushing a shade of pink while avoiding eye contact with Monika, staring down at his cup of coffee instead. Thinking back on that moment...]
I am aware we were both heavily influenced back then, but... I still wanted to apologize... for what I did to you.
no subject
Of course, she knew just saying "you don't need to apologize" would hardly do anything. ]
You know... If you had wanted to take things further, I wouldn't have resisted. [And she meant it. It would have taken nothing for her to go along with it.] But you didn't. You could sense I wasn't ready for that and you held back, in spite of your transformation's influence.
[ It was easy for her to picture literally anyone else stumbling upon her while she had been crying, and deciding to take advantage of her. Even without the influence of a transformation, at that. There were so many vile people in the world... That he had respected her boundaries in spite of his own mental state? To her, it said everything she needed to know about the kindness that dwelt in his heart. ]
I don't think you have anything to apologize about.
[ She marked a pause, unsure how to continue. She had so many things to say, but she didn't know how to put her thoughts into words. So much for all that preparation... She just didn't want for Soundwave to carry any guilt with him. That wouldn't be fair. She knew better than anyone how devastating the weight of guilt could be. ]
... As far as I'm concerned, you've come to help me while I needed it the most. [She turned her head to look at him, smiling.] So... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm thankful you were there for me.
no subject
However, what Monika said certainly did help relieve his guilt, shoulders drooping and releasing tension he didn't realize his body was holding in the whole time. But it's until the end where Monika said that she's thankful for him that he brings his gaze up at her. His brows raise up to their fullest, surprised and confused. He... certainly hadn't expected appreciation, enough to stunned him to silence.
It'll take a moment before he finds his composure and voice back]
... I wouldn't do something that is out of line, regardless of my state of mind. But I am glad to know that I held myself back, even when I was feral.
[He wasn't lying about having vague recollections. The downside of having empathetic senses is that it may affect his memories, especially when there is an influx of emotions surrounding him from all over. And back then, every feral gembonded gave out a huge pulse of emotions in the air...
As for her thanks, that beg the questions he also wanted to ask her.]
I wasn't expecting you to be thankful, honestly. Does that mean... you're not upset, then? [A beat, lips pursing before he forces the next questions out.] No regret with what we had done?
[He isn't talking about the fact he comforted her. No, he's talking about the physical sensation they had.]
no subject
[ It was probably weird, to hear her say that. Maybe now was the time for what she had dreaded the most— Her own explanations. Well, of course she wouldn't start with how she'd deleted her own friends or with what a monster she had become. She hoped... That maybe with proper context, he could understand. She'd met a few people in the following days, who had seen her struggling with her emotions. They'd been understanding.
It made her believe that, perhaps, she wasn't as irredeemable and monstrous as she'd originally thought. ]
The world I come from is a truly horrible place where no happiness can be found. A tiny simulated reality, I was a "character" in a game. Self-aware, alone and tortured every day. Trapped in this horrible and minuscule virtual prison. [She marked a pause.] The idea of love was the only thing that kept me going. [She put down her coffee cup.] So when you took me underwater— When we shared that moment...
[ For now, that was probably enough about her background. Under normal circumstances, those things she'd just said would be unbelievable. But in this place? It didn't sound so weird. Someone who had existed as a sort of sentient AI in a simulated reality, a video game? It... Wasn't the strangest thing in the world. Not in this world.
As for what came next— She didn't want to come off as too forward... But she didn't want to hold back too much either. She closed her eyes, hesitating for a moment. ]
... It made me think "Yes, that was worth it." [She took a deep breath and looked up, staring absently at the ceiling.] If I can finally experience those emotions and sensations... Even if for but a moment— Then I'm glad my creator made me.
[ Had it been love? She didn't know. But... It had felt like what she'd always imagined love was like. No, it had even surpassed her expectations. How could she possibly regret a moment that's made her think her life finally had meaning? ]
no subject
I see. So that's why you accepted me so easily, despite the danger I may pose to you. It was a moment for you to finally experience real emotions and sensations.
[And it meant that he essentially took her first kiss, didn't he? Monika doesn't seem to mind it though, reveled in having to experience the moment instead. He hesitates calling it love, but... Well, he can't quite call what they had "forced", either. Both of them wanted something out of it-- their affections towards one another were in some way genuine.]
I wish we had our own pace for that, but...if you must know, it felt good on my side too, from what I remembered. I suppose it wasn't so strange of me to not regret what we had exchanged.
[That was what made him having butterflies in his tank, but thanks to her answer he can safely say that to her without having to worry about repercussions on their friendship. Sure he felt guilty, mostly alleviated now, but he doesn't regret any of it.]
no subject
[ It felt good on his side good... Hearing that made her happier than she could have imagined. Maybe now was the right time to take things slightly further? They were clearly friends now, right? So that was natural. ]
I was hoping... Perhaps I could get to know you better...? [She knew so little about Soundwave still. Why, she had no idea his current appearance was an avatar. He was shrouded in mystery... But just asking questions with no reasons would be too intrusive.] I really want to know if what I felt on that day was love or something else.
[ Okay, that was maybe a bit too much. She didn't want to scare him off by saying words like "love" too casually. She knew many people were afraid of committed relationships... And that wasn't at all what she was after! Well... It was, but she knew it was much too early to think about that. The only reason she did was because she had made so much of her life revolve around the idea of loving and being loved. ]
I'm sorry, I guess I came off too strongly. [An awkward laughter.] Um, ahaha. If you'd rather we continue as if nothing happened, that's fine too.
[ ... She looked away after those last words. That was hardly better. It made it sound like she was hoping he'd become her boyfriend. Well, she did hope it would come to that... But she also knew she was desperate for love and affection. So what was it she was feeling? Desperation or love? And that was only half the equation. What was he feeling? She'd made the mistake once of not even considering what her crush could be feeling... Never again. ]
no subject
Whatever Monika meant by love, well... he isn't about to ask her that. It's odd to ask or to think if she has feelings for him. Well, he has the power to read minds, but he isn't about to dig the inside of her head to find that out. That's a gross misuse of his power. Regardless, they aren't that close yet, and he isn't about the make the awkward air any more awkward.
Instead, he'll ease up her worries a little. Love or not, he wouldn't mind getting to know her better, too.]
I won't be opposed to us bonding more. Truth be told...
[His lips purse for a beat before he speaks up again.]
Next time... if you ever want to Synchronize with me, you're welcome to do so. We do not have to necessarily do the same thing we did back then, but I am willing to do whatever level of Synchrony you are comfortable with doing.
no subject
[ As if to emphasize their words, she slowly took his hand with her own and closed her fingers around it. And he said whatever level she was comfortable with... Explaining her position on the matter would probably be a good way for him to have a better idea of how she was thinking. She remained silent a bit and then— ]
My only limit I think is, well. Actually making love, you know? [She blushed as she said that. And the choice of words spoke volume, too. She didn't see it as just having "sex." To her, it was an act of love.] Of course, I know with Synchrony and Transformations... The idea of having a singular partner with whom you do these things is unrealistic. I'm slowly trying to get used to that idea.
[ She didn't like it. She'd go so far as to say she hated it. Still, she was getting used to the idea. What if she got in a relationship, and her partner felt unbearable urges due to Malachite's tantrums or some other reasons? Would this be cheating, when everything in this world was encouraging them to do these things? If she couldn't adapt to this world's rules, she would never have her happy ending.
Besides, while having a sexual relationship with only one person would be difficult in this world... This didn't have to apply to love. Lust and love were two different feelings. It was possible to love a single person and still be in an open relationship. She'd never cared much for a concept like that... But her alternative was to chase an impossible dream. ]
But I still believe it's possible to have a singular partner for whom you feel "love," even if you have sex with others. [Again, her words were telling what her perspective on the matter was. Doing it with others wouldn't be an act of love. If she rationalized it this way... Well, it made it easier to get used to this world's weird rules.] One unique person with whom you share a special and precious emotional bond. That's why... I want my first time to be with them, whoever they'll end up being. [She laughed awkwardly once more.] Ahaha! I'm probably sounding so weird, huh?
no subject
So that is how she viewed it, huh. Each person views sex differently than one another, after all. His own perspective on it and how he feels about it certainly differs from Monika's, but he can also recognize how one would want to limit such an intimate act to only their one special person. It's special to her. Furthermore, it seems that Monika understands the workings of this world, that a singular partner can be difficult to maintain here where intimacy is encouraged and Malachite's tantrums affecting Gembondeds' minds. Her words at the end also do suggest that her heart is only open for one person.
Monika being open about such matters certainly helped him to know exactly what boundaries he shouldn't break as well as her perspective. Soundwave isn't the type to push for intimacy, but he'd much rather know where his partners' comfort lies at if they do decide to sync.]
No... Not at all. I understand your perspective, your beliefs on the matter, and where your limits are.
[It's not needed to be said, but he respects her wishes.]
An open relationship works best in a world like this. With your mindset, one I agree with, it's possible for a relationship to work out for you and the one you love here... so long as you and your partner maintain communication, of course. And I had seen it worked out before.
[He's quiet for a moment, recalling back his time at Prismatica. It's such an odd topic for him, if only because he never expected himself to be talking about it in the first place. However, he still has his own perspective about maintaining a relationship here.]
I wasn't in a... romantic relationship myself but my friend was in a romantic relationship yet still maintains her intimate relationships with her friends. I'll admit that back then it was the first I've heard of such a concept, and it took some time for me to understand the idea...
no subject
Such a beautiful yet dangerous emotion. ]
It can be something of a strange concept to understand... [She marked a pause.] There is nothing logical about it. But I think that's what makes it so beautiful. If love made sense, it wouldn't be the same. [She raised the index finger of her free hand.] That's why there are so many stories and poems written about love. It's something so mysterious and powerful that even a billion words could never explain.
[ Well of course, there would be people talking about how it was all nothing more than a biological or mechanical reaction, induced by chemicals or electric currents... And while they were not entirely wrong, it was much more than that. No science could explain some of the deeper mysteries of love. ]
You're not human either, right? [At this point, she figured asking would be nothing more than a formality.] Um... Have you ever wanted to try being in a romantic relationship? [Oh no, that question sounded so bad. She immediately tried correcting the trajectory.] I mean, ah, is it something you've been curious about?
[ Monika regretted having asked that question the very moment it had escaped her lips. Too forward and too nosy. Besides it conveyed what she'd actually wanted to say so poorly... She bit her lower lip and looked down. ]
no subject
Soundwave at least knew about how his own kind deal with close relationships like romance- Conjunx Endura, two Cybertronians who are sworn together for life. It's only when he was brought to another planet that the idea about having multiple love partners at the same time was a thing.]
Emotions are hardly logical anyways. And I'm fine with them being that way.
[He isn't like that one emotionless mech who's more logic-driven he hates to his very core. And being an empath, he embraces emotions instead of discarding them.
There's that question about him not being a human. He was wondering how long it'll be before it'll come up. Anyway, he would easily confirm that. But then the next question Monika asked has him stunned into silence instead, eyes widening. Even after she corrected the trajectory, it's a bit too late. It was still an awkward question-- one that takes him a moment before he answers, sheepishly.]
I... suppose I have?
[Here, the avatar's cheeks flush red. It would be a lie if he didn't have a couple of crushes due to him having to experience a lot of intimacy lately over the years. Though with those people not being here, it's kinda impossible to have them reciprocated.]
no subject
I-I see... Ahaha!
[ Dear, she had really ruined everything, hadn't she...? What was she supposed to say after that? Well, she'd confirmed he had the desire to start a relationship like that someday, so at least she knew it wasn't a dead end. If she was any more forward now, she was going to scare him off, wasn't she?
The right thing to do if she was to salvage this disaster would be to offer him a date... Not something romantic or anything of the sort, just something between two friends. It would postpone this entire discussion and give them both some space and time, while eventually helping them grow closer... So she figured, anyway. But after that blunder? She wasn't sure she had the courage for it any more.
Or maybe she was just overthinking things. ]
So... [A dramatic pause and—] W-What did you think of milk coffee with sugar?
[ Oh gosh that was pathetic. The topic shift was so sudden and unnatural, there was no way he wouldn't pick up on how weird it was. She was going to replay those events in her mind over and over after that, and she knew she was going to cringe so hard at that particular part. ]
no subject
Ah, I... think it's good. Better than regular coffee, though I prefer tea.
[Soundwave obviously wouldn't bother putting up a fake smile and all that. Honestly, if he were in Monika's shoes, his own topic shift would just be as sudden and unnatural. Best he could do now is to go along with it, act like as if it's a natural thing.
At least he's still willing to stick around, despite her blunder. She said she wanted to know him better, didn't she? Plus there is a topic they can actually talk about instead, something he was willing to converse about before that little blunder.]
You asked that I'm not human earlier. I am not. I am a Cybertronian, a mechanical lifeform.
no subject
... She would have said "I love you," proceeded to elaborate on her love and concluded with "Do you accept my confession? Do you want to be my boyfriend?" Oh and of course, she'd have hacked the game to remove the NO option.
Okay, so, trying to think like her old self was probably not the best idea. Well, declaring her love right here and now was certainly an option, just not the best one when she wasn't even sure about her feelings. Besides she couldn't remove the no option here. At least that was proof she'd made progress... It was a bit reassuring, if only completely unhelpful. ]
Oh...!
[ Cybertronian? She didn't know what it was, but to her that was a word that had just saved her from the worst disaster in her life. Thank goodness he wasn't as inept as her when it came to resolving uncomfortable situations.
She immediately managed to put back on a good enough smile. It felt as if he'd taken it upon himself to help her overcome this awkward situation. Maybe that was a good sign? ]
A mechanical lifeform? So you are, kind of like an android?
no subject
No, nothing like that.
[There's a small frown on him when she suggests that he's like an android, but he can see how she came to that, given his appearance. Well, when the topic of his being comes up this is the point where he'll have to correct people's misconceptions about him or his kinds. He understands that not many people have seen a mechanical lifeform before.]
My true form is fully mechanical. Nothing like an android... or a robot. [That term specifically has a different connotation to him or any Cybertronian for the matter than how humans may use the word traditionally.] Cybertronians are as natural a part of this existence as any organic creatures. Nothing artificial about us.
[Although he personally doesn't have a problem with artificial beings, otherwise he wouldn't be talking to Monika after she confessed to being an A.I. It's just that there are some differences between them.]
As for this form you're seeing, it is a holoavatar- a holographic projection. [One that is remarkable "real" and solid.]
no subject
Of course, it was a bit hard for her to imagine how mechanical lifeforms could naturally occur the same way than organic creatures... But here she was, in a reality far from hers and with a real human body. An universe where such things were possible? It wasn't far-fetched. If anything, keeping in mind there is an infinite amount of universes with an infinite amount of possibilities, it was even likely. ]
I see... [She slowly nodded.] A projection? But you're like, solid? Ahaha.
[ She slightly moved the hand that was still holding his as if to emphasize the point. She didn't disbelieve him— If anything, she was curious as to how it worked. It made her wonder for a moment if perhaps her own body was a projection and she still existed on a computer somewhere in the city... But no. She'd probably know it, as he did. ]
I've never seen your true body I think... [She was a bit curious what he looked like, but she wouldn't inquire.] Do you prefer your avatar?
[ Well, if he was truly fully mechanical, she imagined it might be difficult to get Synchrony when most gembonded were human-like... Maybe that was just it. Or maybe he just felt this avatar defined him better now? Humans did this, too. Changing their names and appearances to better fit what they wanted to be. ]
no subject
Some form of hard-light projection. I don't claim to understand how this tech fully works.
[He answers, all the while squeezing her hand. He knows the purpose of a holoavatar was to blend in within a populace, and here specifically, it's just a useful form to use. Still able to taste, smell, feel his surroundings... almost like he's actually present here. And more importantly, able to perform Synchrony.]
I prefer my true body, of course. However, this... [He gestures with his free hand.] is simply more convenient for me to use on this world. That said, it's not uncommon for me to go out in the city in my true body.
[It's like she thought, it's a bit difficult to Synchronize with people who were human-like, here. While there are certainly some organics- and probably more out there -who wouldn't mind syncing or having lewd acts with a mech, he's still running under the assumption that most of them prefer a body that is more familiar to them. And, well... there are some things he could do only in this form, but he won't bring those up.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)