[ There was genuine curiosity in her voice. As far as she was concerned, being something of a soldier or hired killer (which she assumed a shinobi was somewhere between the two) was different from killing for... Whatever her weird reasons had been. ]
Well, feeling trapped, for starters. And by my own family. Basically, there are two sides with shinobi: good and evil, though it's mostly just words. My family belonged to good shinobi, and the standards are strict. So ever since I could walk, I was forced to train. I still had some freedom to do what I wanted, but as I got older, the expectations grew larger, and any life outside of school and training was impossible. Year after year as I neared high school, I couldn't do anything but be stressed out. Even my love for fighting faded as I kept getting chewed out for my poor school work.
So they hired a tutor. Being with him, it seemed nice, like I could be myself again. But this story needs more shit to be raining on my life, so he turned out to be an evil shinobi assassin who revealed himself after I confessed who I was, so I broke all of his bones. Turns out being a berserker is frowned on with good shinobi, so I was banned from becoming one, kicked out of my house, and back to a new level of hell till I joined Hebijo.
[Despite a rather intense story, Homura's expression was mostly neutral; had to explain this tale so many times helps.]
So the whole love thing I guess too. Kinda screwed me over since I was an idiot.
You're the one who got tricked! And he was an enemy! What were you expected to do after your love interest turned out to be a traitor, laugh it off? Even if you hadn't been in love, he was still an enemy! That's so unfair.
Good shinobi, least the ones controlling the schools, tend to be perfectionists, want people more stable. When I attacked him, I lost control. After all the mocking, I wanted him dead and almost did it.
[Such rage could hardly be controlled at that point. Lies, stress, betrayal, it triggered a rage few could handle.]
That's just the way things work. Though eventually, I was saved in a way, offered a place in Hebijo, the evil shinobi. Their motto even kinda got stuck on me. "Good accepts few, evil accepts all."
Perfectionists, huh... I'm a bit one myself. [A sigh.] I remember, when someone who didn't fit my image of a perfect Literature Club decided to join, I got very defensive and didn't want them in. Sounds like the same mindset.
[ But that was a bit of a distant memory. ]
But that's wrong. I realized that and they ought to, as well. [Wait--] But wait, you mean you've joined the side of evil?
Like I said, the words good and evil are just words. Both sides handle stuff for companies and the government. For instance, a good shinobi was once tasked with eliminating the homeless to make way for some rich douchebag's mall or something. One of my teammates had to stop it. That said, I know I'm guilty of some crimes as well.
[She wasn't going to pretend she was a saint, even when helping people out.]
Blinded by devotion is another aspect. Not having much choice, I joined Hebijo and began to feel grateful. I gained freedom like never before, even became an Elite thanks to my talents. Between them or the parents who threw me away, of course I felt more grateful to them.
However, while the sides of good and evil shinobi are grey, that doesn't mean there's no such thing as right and wrong. [She looked at her own hands on the table.] I killed teammates who were going berserk and couldn't save them, believing them to just be weaklings. And I nearly killed my own friends for going against my views. Hell, I barely saw them as that. Everyone wanted to be an Elite so badly, and I was targeted constantly when I first arrived. I didn't think any differently than the others, even as we got closer. But...it was through fighting Haruka, I realized I was wrong, how empty my life was, how I was fighting for basically nothing while she tried to just be happy with one of the good shinobi.
[ Getting rid of the homeless to make way for the riches? What kind of person could claim being "good" after doing such a thing? She listened to the entirety of her tale before speaking again. ]
I see... I understand why you see some similarities between our stories. [She tried smiling.] Be true to yourself. That's what I used to believe before my epiphany... And that's still what I want to believe. Ultimately, good and evil are what you said, just words.
It's the only way I feel comfortable with myself. I may fight for others like Caster, but if I can't stay true to myself, I'll just be another tool. That shit sure as hell ain't happening again.
[Unless the king was using them for his own gain. If that was the case...well she'd get to that if they ever reached such a point.]
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[ There was genuine curiosity in her voice. As far as she was concerned, being something of a soldier or hired killer (which she assumed a shinobi was somewhere between the two) was different from killing for... Whatever her weird reasons had been. ]
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So they hired a tutor. Being with him, it seemed nice, like I could be myself again. But this story needs more shit to be raining on my life, so he turned out to be an evil shinobi assassin who revealed himself after I confessed who I was, so I broke all of his bones. Turns out being a berserker is frowned on with good shinobi, so I was banned from becoming one, kicked out of my house, and back to a new level of hell till I joined Hebijo.
[Despite a rather intense story, Homura's expression was mostly neutral; had to explain this tale so many times helps.]
So the whole love thing I guess too. Kinda screwed me over since I was an idiot.
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[ She felt genuinely offended on her behalf. ]
You're the one who got tricked! And he was an enemy! What were you expected to do after your love interest turned out to be a traitor, laugh it off? Even if you hadn't been in love, he was still an enemy! That's so unfair.
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[Such rage could hardly be controlled at that point. Lies, stress, betrayal, it triggered a rage few could handle.]
That's just the way things work. Though eventually, I was saved in a way, offered a place in Hebijo, the evil shinobi. Their motto even kinda got stuck on me. "Good accepts few, evil accepts all."
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[ But that was a bit of a distant memory. ]
But that's wrong. I realized that and they ought to, as well. [Wait--] But wait, you mean you've joined the side of evil?
no subject
[She wasn't going to pretend she was a saint, even when helping people out.]
Blinded by devotion is another aspect. Not having much choice, I joined Hebijo and began to feel grateful. I gained freedom like never before, even became an Elite thanks to my talents. Between them or the parents who threw me away, of course I felt more grateful to them.
However, while the sides of good and evil shinobi are grey, that doesn't mean there's no such thing as right and wrong. [She looked at her own hands on the table.] I killed teammates who were going berserk and couldn't save them, believing them to just be weaklings. And I nearly killed my own friends for going against my views. Hell, I barely saw them as that. Everyone wanted to be an Elite so badly, and I was targeted constantly when I first arrived. I didn't think any differently than the others, even as we got closer. But...it was through fighting Haruka, I realized I was wrong, how empty my life was, how I was fighting for basically nothing while she tried to just be happy with one of the good shinobi.
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[ Getting rid of the homeless to make way for the riches? What kind of person could claim being "good" after doing such a thing? She listened to the entirety of her tale before speaking again. ]
I see... I understand why you see some similarities between our stories. [She tried smiling.] Be true to yourself. That's what I used to believe before my epiphany... And that's still what I want to believe. Ultimately, good and evil are what you said, just words.
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It's the only way I feel comfortable with myself. I may fight for others like Caster, but if I can't stay true to myself, I'll just be another tool. That shit sure as hell ain't happening again.
[Unless the king was using them for his own gain. If that was the case...well she'd get to that if they ever reached such a point.]