... Yeah. And that fact has had a way bigger impact on my life than really anything else...
[ There's a sigh. He might as well start being more earnest, here. ]
I was born a woman. That... caused a lot of problems, in my clan. I was the eldest child, and my younger brother was sort of incompetent. My parents started plotting, from the very beginning, little machinations and plans that would help carry the clan forward. My mother, in particular, had her sights set on ruling the whole territory, since my father wasn't... particularly good at it.
But he wasn't a complete idiot. He had my posing as a man from an early age, to marry me off in an alliance with the Saito Clan, which a consequence of that made me eligible to take over the clan when he passed. But everyone thought that was folly, since I was... I was just this kid with no common sense, a woman at that, clearly unfit to do anything but serve another....
So my mother, and most of our vassals, they fell behind my brother and... a succession war started as a result.
But that's just history pages. Just a list of facts... it doesn't really begin to show you... what that does to a person. My brother, throwing himself before me, begging me to kill him, so it could all end, and I could finally start to live my most honest life...
[ That's a lot... She didn't reply immediately, but her features softened. It's hard to be angry to someone when they open their heart like that-- No matter how much they've hurt you in the past. ]
I'm sorry. It... Can't have been easy. [A pause.] And I won't pretend I can understand how those events must have felt for you-- Though I understand what lacking control on your life is like. But...
[ But why is it an excuse for what happened before? For his knee-jerk reaction whenever changing or improving himself was mentioned? Because he wanted to be this way and wouldn't let anyone direct his life again, perhaps?
No... If she criticized him now, he would just close himself up. Better be subtle for this. ]
Are you happy now? [That was what mattered most, wasn't it?] Your past can never change, but you can. And you know, if you don't enjoy living as a man, you don't have to any more. Though if you do enjoy it, then it's your absolute right to continue.
[ She wasn't well versed with those issues, but her philosophy had always been that people should do what they enjoy and be happy-- Long as they don't harm others. If someone was happier and more comfortable identifying as a gender other than the one they were given at birth, then nobody had a right to tell them off. Unsurprisingly, there were tons of poems written by people struggling with their identity, and that was where most of her knowledge of the topic derived. ]
I... don't know. Honestly, to see out my ambitions, I put on so many different masks, I'm note sure what makes me whole. Hell, the whole reason this version of me exists is because of that... It's not an excuse but more like... context, I guess?
[ Another deep breath. ]
I'm... technically not supposed to "exist". While history remembers Nobunaga as a man, the Nobunaga of proper, pan-human history was just a really masculine woman, who kind of just... did whatever, regardless of gender. Properly summoned from the Throne of Heroes, Nobunaga is a human, and an Archer class... most of the time, anyways.
[ This is the part he hated to explain, more than the gender thing, as it involved a lot of... weird magic-babble. Stuff that confused even him. ]
But Nobunaga's conflict of identity, who they were versus who others perceived them to be, how much their legacy has altered reality...
That's where my Spirit Origin comes in. A "glitch" in the whole system.
[ She had to stop him right there-- Much as she wanted to sympathize with what he'd just said... She had to be honest: she hadn't understood half of it. ]
I'm sorry, I understand this is painful for you to speak about, but... [You can't just drop Fate/ lore on someone and expects them to remain sane, Kipposhi.] Throne of Heroes? Spirit Origin? You're losing me there. [Something stuck out in what he said though. The way he'd said "panhuman history." Nobody really talked like that... Except for Ritsuka and Kadoc who had employed that term before. And she'd heard from the former that she worked with Kipposhi.] Is that related to that whole "Lostbelt" thing?
[ True, he'd gotten a little in the weeds there... But when she said "Lostbelt", it was almost a relief. ]
So you've met my Master, huh? Or maybe that Kadoc guy.
[ It's the only way he could think she'd know those terms. ]
Unfortunately, my existence is a little more complicated than being part of a Lostbelt, too. It's not like I'm from some world that was never meant to be, but more like I'm a shade of a person that was never meant to be.
[ How to put this... ]
I'm like a shade of Nobunaga, born from both the legend of her ambition, but also the karma of fear and resentment, the meaning of her person fading away through diffusion. It's not even supposed to be possible for me to exist on my own.
That's why I'm an "Avenger"... The enemy of the gods, Buddha, and all creatures, the multitudinous grudges and terror given form, shape, just randomly selected from the legends of her ambition. No human could have contained all of this... that's why I shouldn't exist at all.
I see... So you're like an aspect of her, amplified by human legends and beliefs.
[ She wasn't sure she understood everything really... But that was the short of it, right? That sounded horrible. But being someone who shouldn't exist-- That she could relate to. ]
I shouldn't exist either, you know? Well, the circumstances behind our creations couldn't be any more different... [Literally.] I'm little more than an AI from some cheesy video game. A character in a book, ink on paper given physical form. [She smiled sadly.] But just because I shouldn't exist doesn't mean I'll give up. I do exist. I don't care if I wasn't supposed to be more than a side character in someone else's story. I'll write my happy ending, no matter what.
[ She looked back up at him through the device. ]
And if I can do it, so can you. [She smiled.] If someone whose existence is as faint as me can do it, then surely you can.
It's not as if I'm trying to make an excuse... [ Like he said, it was more just context. ]
I think what's closer to the truth is I don't... really know what I am, if not what I'm a reflection of.
[ And that felt... like too much to really move past. If it was even worthwhile to do so at all, in a world he would no doubt leave, at some point, back to Chaldea, or back to not existing at all... ]
Cogito, ergo sum. [She replied nigh immediately.] I think, therefore I am. You probably heard this before, it's from Descartes. You cannot doubt your own existence while you doubt it, because the very act of thinking is proof of your existence.
[ It was something she had thought of a lot. And truth to be told, she wasn't quite sure about her own existence... But it was easier when it came to reassuring others. Gosh, she was such a pushover. She should be mad at him, and yet his story managed to make it impossible for her to be so. ]
Even if you ceased to be a reflection of Obunaga, you would still be. The fact we're having this discussion at all shows you've already become more than a reflection.
No matter how that ends up panning out, though, I know I hurt you. And... I want to make it up to you. I have for awhile, now...
[ He didn't know if he could ultimately become something beyond what his Saint Graph designated him to be, but he did know that he felt that need, still, to make peace... whether it was for selfishness or for honor didn't really matter any longer, now that they were talking again. ]
I'm not sure either... [She paused.] But how can I stay mad after hearing all that?
[ She felt like such a pushover for saying that after the harm he had caused her. But that was true, how could she stay mad? He'd admired his faults, apologized for them... Now all that remained to be done was-- ]
Work on yourself, alright? If I can change— You can too. [A deep breath.] And if you can't, then there's no hope for one such as me.
[ "There's no hope for one such as me"... honestly, putting it like that made things feel like there was a stake worth paying attention to. In truth, as if his self-destructive behavior hadn't made it more clear, Kipposhi couldn't really say he cared much if the world saw him only as a monster, but...
... But Monika wasn't. She deserved all those chances to be something more. For her sake... ]
... I can try. I can't promise it will be good, or even worthwhile. But... I can't hurt someone I care about, again... not like that...
We both got a lot of work to do on ourselves, huh?
[ He wasn't alone, but unlike him? She cared very much for how the world saw her. She didn't want to be a monster... Even though she couldn't help but see herself as one. ]
Just be the best "you" that you can. [She smiled weakly.] I got a girlfriend now, you know...? What you did— It hurt for a long while, but it would take so much more than that to kill my hopes for a happy ending. [A deep breath and then--] So I guess what I'm saying, is that I forgive you. Long as you keep on doing your best.
[ Was it the fact she was bisexual? Or the fact she had found love at all? Regardless, she reveled in having proven wrong all the people who had thought her happy ending out of reach. Well, he wasn't one such person, but it was satisfying all the same for different reasons. ]
[ Four months was very long from her point of view. But details. ]
To be entirely honest, what's happened between us made it... Very hard for me to make my declaration. I was far more hesitant than I would normally have been. [A pause.] But I suppose I ought to thank you, for I am sure I confessed to the right person with this wait.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ There's a sigh. He might as well start being more earnest, here. ]
I was born a woman. That... caused a lot of problems, in my clan. I was the eldest child, and my younger brother was sort of incompetent. My parents started plotting, from the very beginning, little machinations and plans that would help carry the clan forward. My mother, in particular, had her sights set on ruling the whole territory, since my father wasn't... particularly good at it.
But he wasn't a complete idiot. He had my posing as a man from an early age, to marry me off in an alliance with the Saito Clan, which a consequence of that made me eligible to take over the clan when he passed. But everyone thought that was folly, since I was... I was just this kid with no common sense, a woman at that, clearly unfit to do anything but serve another....
So my mother, and most of our vassals, they fell behind my brother and... a succession war started as a result.
But that's just history pages. Just a list of facts... it doesn't really begin to show you... what that does to a person. My brother, throwing himself before me, begging me to kill him, so it could all end, and I could finally start to live my most honest life...
no subject
I'm sorry. It... Can't have been easy. [A pause.] And I won't pretend I can understand how those events must have felt for you-- Though I understand what lacking control on your life is like. But...
[ But why is it an excuse for what happened before? For his knee-jerk reaction whenever changing or improving himself was mentioned? Because he wanted to be this way and wouldn't let anyone direct his life again, perhaps?
No... If she criticized him now, he would just close himself up. Better be subtle for this. ]
Are you happy now? [That was what mattered most, wasn't it?] Your past can never change, but you can. And you know, if you don't enjoy living as a man, you don't have to any more. Though if you do enjoy it, then it's your absolute right to continue.
[ She wasn't well versed with those issues, but her philosophy had always been that people should do what they enjoy and be happy-- Long as they don't harm others. If someone was happier and more comfortable identifying as a gender other than the one they were given at birth, then nobody had a right to tell them off. Unsurprisingly, there were tons of poems written by people struggling with their identity, and that was where most of her knowledge of the topic derived. ]
no subject
I... don't know. Honestly, to see out my ambitions, I put on so many different masks, I'm note sure what makes me whole. Hell, the whole reason this version of me exists is because of that... It's not an excuse but more like... context, I guess?
[ Another deep breath. ]
I'm... technically not supposed to "exist". While history remembers Nobunaga as a man, the Nobunaga of proper, pan-human history was just a really masculine woman, who kind of just... did whatever, regardless of gender. Properly summoned from the Throne of Heroes, Nobunaga is a human, and an Archer class... most of the time, anyways.
[ This is the part he hated to explain, more than the gender thing, as it involved a lot of... weird magic-babble. Stuff that confused even him. ]
But Nobunaga's conflict of identity, who they were versus who others perceived them to be, how much their legacy has altered reality...
That's where my Spirit Origin comes in. A "glitch" in the whole system.
no subject
[ She had to stop him right there-- Much as she wanted to sympathize with what he'd just said... She had to be honest: she hadn't understood half of it. ]
I'm sorry, I understand this is painful for you to speak about, but... [You can't just drop Fate/ lore on someone and expects them to remain sane, Kipposhi.] Throne of Heroes? Spirit Origin? You're losing me there. [Something stuck out in what he said though. The way he'd said "panhuman history." Nobody really talked like that... Except for Ritsuka and Kadoc who had employed that term before. And she'd heard from the former that she worked with Kipposhi.] Is that related to that whole "Lostbelt" thing?
no subject
So you've met my Master, huh? Or maybe that Kadoc guy.
[ It's the only way he could think she'd know those terms. ]
Unfortunately, my existence is a little more complicated than being part of a Lostbelt, too. It's not like I'm from some world that was never meant to be, but more like I'm a shade of a person that was never meant to be.
[ How to put this... ]
I'm like a shade of Nobunaga, born from both the legend of her ambition, but also the karma of fear and resentment, the meaning of her person fading away through diffusion. It's not even supposed to be possible for me to exist on my own.
That's why I'm an "Avenger"... The enemy of the gods, Buddha, and all creatures, the multitudinous grudges and terror given form, shape, just randomly selected from the legends of her ambition. No human could have contained all of this... that's why I shouldn't exist at all.
no subject
[ There was no need to hide it. ]
I see... So you're like an aspect of her, amplified by human legends and beliefs.
[ She wasn't sure she understood everything really... But that was the short of it, right? That sounded horrible. But being someone who shouldn't exist-- That she could relate to. ]
I shouldn't exist either, you know? Well, the circumstances behind our creations couldn't be any more different... [Literally.] I'm little more than an AI from some cheesy video game. A character in a book, ink on paper given physical form. [She smiled sadly.] But just because I shouldn't exist doesn't mean I'll give up. I do exist. I don't care if I wasn't supposed to be more than a side character in someone else's story. I'll write my happy ending, no matter what.
[ She looked back up at him through the device. ]
And if I can do it, so can you. [She smiled.] If someone whose existence is as faint as me can do it, then surely you can.
no subject
I think what's closer to the truth is I don't... really know what I am, if not what I'm a reflection of.
[ And that felt... like too much to really move past. If it was even worthwhile to do so at all, in a world he would no doubt leave, at some point, back to Chaldea, or back to not existing at all... ]
no subject
[ It was something she had thought of a lot. And truth to be told, she wasn't quite sure about her own existence... But it was easier when it came to reassuring others. Gosh, she was such a pushover. She should be mad at him, and yet his story managed to make it impossible for her to be so. ]
Even if you ceased to be a reflection of Obunaga, you would still be. The fact we're having this discussion at all shows you've already become more than a reflection.
no subject
No matter how that ends up panning out, though, I know I hurt you. And... I want to make it up to you. I have for awhile, now...
[ He didn't know if he could ultimately become something beyond what his Saint Graph designated him to be, but he did know that he felt that need, still, to make peace... whether it was for selfishness or for honor didn't really matter any longer, now that they were talking again. ]
Not sure how to do that, but I know I want to.
no subject
[ She felt like such a pushover for saying that after the harm he had caused her. But that was true, how could she stay mad? He'd admired his faults, apologized for them... Now all that remained to be done was-- ]
Work on yourself, alright? If I can change— You can too. [A deep breath.] And if you can't, then there's no hope for one such as me.
no subject
... But Monika wasn't. She deserved all those chances to be something more. For her sake... ]
... I can try. I can't promise it will be good, or even worthwhile. But... I can't hurt someone I care about, again... not like that...
no subject
[ He wasn't alone, but unlike him? She cared very much for how the world saw her. She didn't want to be a monster... Even though she couldn't help but see herself as one. ]
Just be the best "you" that you can. [She smiled weakly.] I got a girlfriend now, you know...? What you did— It hurt for a long while, but it would take so much more than that to kill my hopes for a happy ending. [A deep breath and then--] So I guess what I'm saying, is that I forgive you. Long as you keep on doing your best.
no subject
[ Yeah, all the rest of that was good, but Kipposhi, ever himself even beneath all those 'masks' of his, he has to hone in on one particular thing. ]
You got a girlfriend?!
no subject
[ Was it the fact she was bisexual? Or the fact she had found love at all? Regardless, she reveled in having proven wrong all the people who had thought her happy ending out of reach. Well, he wasn't one such person, but it was satisfying all the same for different reasons. ]
no subject
[ He can't help it. There's a jot in his face, a smile that burns a little too earnestly. ]
Dude, that's awesome! I'm really happy for you!
no subject
[ Four months was very long from her point of view. But details. ]
To be entirely honest, what's happened between us made it... Very hard for me to make my declaration. I was far more hesitant than I would normally have been. [A pause.] But I suppose I ought to thank you, for I am sure I confessed to the right person with this wait.
no subject
I'm... really happy for you, though. I mean it.
no subject
And, um... [A pause.] You take care of yourself, alright?