I'm getting there. [She nodded.] You see, I wasn't just able to sense the real world. I was able to sense the presence of the "player" through the main character.
[ The picture was about to get a whole lot fuller. ]
For the first time, there was something in my tiny world that was real. I believed I was in love. In fact, I was desperate and would have clung onto any little shred of hope. I thought this could save me. If I was no longer alone, if there was someone out there caring for me, talking to me— Then I could tolerate my digital hell.
[Her eyes widened. They didn't have the exact story, but this part...this was something Homura did relate to, and how dangerous love could be, especially when certain people were ill-equipped to handle it, or if it was all a lie. The picture was getting clearer.
Yet she said nothing, nodding and letting Monika continue, all while battling her own emotions; love seemed to be a common problem here, huh?]
I tried getting close to the main character. [Not that she cared for the main character-- It was obvious she aimed to reach for the player through him.] But like I told you earlier, I was a side character. Every time I tried something, my friends would block it. They were the love interests, not I. They weren't doing it malevolently it was just... What they were programmed to do.
[ She sighed. ]
It made me angry. They weren't sentient nor self-aware, yet they stole from me my only hope at a happy ending. I started think they weren't really alive. They were just NPCs in a video game, so why should I let them stop me? [She looked down.] At first, I tried subtly affecting things. One of my friends had depression, so I messed with the code to exacerbate her emotions, hoping it'd keep her away. But nothing worked. So when I'd reached my limits— I decided to delete them.
[She stared in silence. Kinda the outcome she expected. And it all sounded familiar, fragments that could easily slide in with her own team's emotions. Using people, killing them, wanting attention, anger at those who stood in your way, all of it resonated. Couldn't help but think of herself in this situation.
And given the reactions Monika gave, as well as her own life--]
I'm guessing the twist was they were alive like you?
Mhm. [She nodded.] The player became disgusted with me, so they deleted me. That was when I realized how horrible I'd become. Maybe because of my sentience and administrative powers, I didn't die. I still existed non-corporeally. [That had been an incredibly painful experience.] I hadn't truly killed my friends, though. I had kept a backup of their files. So as a way to redeem myself, I rebuilt the whole game the way it had been, only without me in it.
[ Somehow, her features grew even darker and hopeless. ]
One my friends became the Club President instead of me... When that happened, she gained sentience. The revelation broke her night instantly. Immediately, she did the same things I had done. [She marked a pause.] I couldn't bear seeing my friends become like me. So I deleted everything. Them. The game. What was left of myself.
[Homura...didn't quite know what to say. There were a few more twists she didn't expect in this tale. Every second of silence between them, Homura kept trying to think of an alternate plan of doing things. But nothing came to my mind. Any solution she had immediately spiraled into Monika's own problem thanks to them all being aware.
She took a long, slow, deep breath before finally speaking.]
And so you came here, suddenly alive now? What will you do now?
[ What now, huh... That was the big question, wasn't it? ]
I don't know. [She paused.] I promised to better myself. [Well, she'd promised the player, same difference.] I think... I like to think I was a good person before this all happened. Well, even if the "me" from my memories never truly existed. [The existential crisis of: are my memories real or not?] I'd like to be like that again... And find real love this time.
Good answer. But, if they managed to appear, the people you killed I mean, what will you do? Will you keep trying to redeem yourself, regardless of what they say or do?
I know it makes me horrible for saying that. But... I feel like I have a chance at being happy here. And while I want them to be happy too... I can't help but feel they'll take everything from me just by existing.
[ They were designed to be the heroines while she was the side character. Why would it be different here? ]
Understandable feeling, but you're doing now is what you did with the mirror: running away. If you're going to live here, you have to at least acknowledge that possibility and try to prepare.
[She recalled having this talk with Mirai, and she looked just as serious as she did with the younger shinobi. Running away never worked out like this.]
Ignoring the fact you killed them, if someone takes from you, you fight back. That's how it works in real life. If you aren't going to at least try and fight, you'll always lose. And in case you haven't noticed, you don't control everything here like in the game.
[Homura stared for a while before sighing heavily. It was hard to know what to say. Mirai was at least a combatant. The weakest on the team, but she at least knew how to fight, lived for it like the rest of the team. Some people didn't grow up with it. And given the shit Monika endured, Homura could hardly blame the video game girl.
She leaned forward, one hand in front of her face.]
Sorry. Just not used to this. So used to being around other fighters. [She sighed again, eyes closing.] Anyway, sure you have questions of your own about me, why I ain't cursing you out or some other freak out by any of this. So shoot.
Little of column A, little of column B. Like I said, you aren't the only person who killed people. Back home, it's kinda sorta my job as a shinobi. [When she gets work again.]
And while I wasn't in a weird-ass hellzone like you, honestly, some of your story is kinda similar to mine.
[ There was genuine curiosity in her voice. As far as she was concerned, being something of a soldier or hired killer (which she assumed a shinobi was somewhere between the two) was different from killing for... Whatever her weird reasons had been. ]
Well, feeling trapped, for starters. And by my own family. Basically, there are two sides with shinobi: good and evil, though it's mostly just words. My family belonged to good shinobi, and the standards are strict. So ever since I could walk, I was forced to train. I still had some freedom to do what I wanted, but as I got older, the expectations grew larger, and any life outside of school and training was impossible. Year after year as I neared high school, I couldn't do anything but be stressed out. Even my love for fighting faded as I kept getting chewed out for my poor school work.
So they hired a tutor. Being with him, it seemed nice, like I could be myself again. But this story needs more shit to be raining on my life, so he turned out to be an evil shinobi assassin who revealed himself after I confessed who I was, so I broke all of his bones. Turns out being a berserker is frowned on with good shinobi, so I was banned from becoming one, kicked out of my house, and back to a new level of hell till I joined Hebijo.
[Despite a rather intense story, Homura's expression was mostly neutral; had to explain this tale so many times helps.]
So the whole love thing I guess too. Kinda screwed me over since I was an idiot.
You're the one who got tricked! And he was an enemy! What were you expected to do after your love interest turned out to be a traitor, laugh it off? Even if you hadn't been in love, he was still an enemy! That's so unfair.
Good shinobi, least the ones controlling the schools, tend to be perfectionists, want people more stable. When I attacked him, I lost control. After all the mocking, I wanted him dead and almost did it.
[Such rage could hardly be controlled at that point. Lies, stress, betrayal, it triggered a rage few could handle.]
That's just the way things work. Though eventually, I was saved in a way, offered a place in Hebijo, the evil shinobi. Their motto even kinda got stuck on me. "Good accepts few, evil accepts all."
Perfectionists, huh... I'm a bit one myself. [A sigh.] I remember, when someone who didn't fit my image of a perfect Literature Club decided to join, I got very defensive and didn't want them in. Sounds like the same mindset.
[ But that was a bit of a distant memory. ]
But that's wrong. I realized that and they ought to, as well. [Wait--] But wait, you mean you've joined the side of evil?
Like I said, the words good and evil are just words. Both sides handle stuff for companies and the government. For instance, a good shinobi was once tasked with eliminating the homeless to make way for some rich douchebag's mall or something. One of my teammates had to stop it. That said, I know I'm guilty of some crimes as well.
[She wasn't going to pretend she was a saint, even when helping people out.]
Blinded by devotion is another aspect. Not having much choice, I joined Hebijo and began to feel grateful. I gained freedom like never before, even became an Elite thanks to my talents. Between them or the parents who threw me away, of course I felt more grateful to them.
However, while the sides of good and evil shinobi are grey, that doesn't mean there's no such thing as right and wrong. [She looked at her own hands on the table.] I killed teammates who were going berserk and couldn't save them, believing them to just be weaklings. And I nearly killed my own friends for going against my views. Hell, I barely saw them as that. Everyone wanted to be an Elite so badly, and I was targeted constantly when I first arrived. I didn't think any differently than the others, even as we got closer. But...it was through fighting Haruka, I realized I was wrong, how empty my life was, how I was fighting for basically nothing while she tried to just be happy with one of the good shinobi.
[ Getting rid of the homeless to make way for the riches? What kind of person could claim being "good" after doing such a thing? She listened to the entirety of her tale before speaking again. ]
I see... I understand why you see some similarities between our stories. [She tried smiling.] Be true to yourself. That's what I used to believe before my epiphany... And that's still what I want to believe. Ultimately, good and evil are what you said, just words.
It's the only way I feel comfortable with myself. I may fight for others like Caster, but if I can't stay true to myself, I'll just be another tool. That shit sure as hell ain't happening again.
[Unless the king was using them for his own gain. If that was the case...well she'd get to that if they ever reached such a point.]
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[And she could hardly forget what it was saying too.]
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[ The picture was about to get a whole lot fuller. ]
For the first time, there was something in my tiny world that was real. I believed I was in love. In fact, I was desperate and would have clung onto any little shred of hope. I thought this could save me. If I was no longer alone, if there was someone out there caring for me, talking to me— Then I could tolerate my digital hell.
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Yet she said nothing, nodding and letting Monika continue, all while battling her own emotions; love seemed to be a common problem here, huh?]
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[ She sighed. ]
It made me angry. They weren't sentient nor self-aware, yet they stole from me my only hope at a happy ending. I started think they weren't really alive. They were just NPCs in a video game, so why should I let them stop me? [She looked down.] At first, I tried subtly affecting things. One of my friends had depression, so I messed with the code to exacerbate her emotions, hoping it'd keep her away. But nothing worked. So when I'd reached my limits— I decided to delete them.
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And given the reactions Monika gave, as well as her own life--]
I'm guessing the twist was they were alive like you?
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[ Somehow, her features grew even darker and hopeless. ]
One my friends became the Club President instead of me... When that happened, she gained sentience. The revelation broke her night instantly. Immediately, she did the same things I had done. [She marked a pause.] I couldn't bear seeing my friends become like me. So I deleted everything. Them. The game. What was left of myself.
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She took a long, slow, deep breath before finally speaking.]
And so you came here, suddenly alive now? What will you do now?
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I don't know. [She paused.] I promised to better myself. [Well, she'd promised the player, same difference.] I think... I like to think I was a good person before this all happened. Well, even if the "me" from my memories never truly existed. [The existential crisis of: are my memories real or not?] I'd like to be like that again... And find real love this time.
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[ Of course she'd keep trying. But... ]
I know it makes me horrible for saying that. But... I feel like I have a chance at being happy here. And while I want them to be happy too... I can't help but feel they'll take everything from me just by existing.
[ They were designed to be the heroines while she was the side character. Why would it be different here? ]
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[She recalled having this talk with Mirai, and she looked just as serious as she did with the younger shinobi. Running away never worked out like this.]
Ignoring the fact you killed them, if someone takes from you, you fight back. That's how it works in real life. If you aren't going to at least try and fight, you'll always lose. And in case you haven't noticed, you don't control everything here like in the game.
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[ Even if they took everything from her, how could she ever fight back? ]
It's strange, because I also miss them... [A sad smile.] I guess having conflicting emotions is proof that I am human, ahaha.
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She leaned forward, one hand in front of her face.]
Sorry. Just not used to this. So used to being around other fighters. [She sighed again, eyes closing.] Anyway, sure you have questions of your own about me, why I ain't cursing you out or some other freak out by any of this. So shoot.
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[ She felt the answer was obvious, truthfully. ]
I figure you know someone like me or did some mistakes in the past, right?
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Little of column A, little of column B. Like I said, you aren't the only person who killed people. Back home, it's kinda sorta my job as a shinobi. [When she gets work again.]
And while I wasn't in a weird-ass hellzone like you, honestly, some of your story is kinda similar to mine.
[Keyword being some.]
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[ There was genuine curiosity in her voice. As far as she was concerned, being something of a soldier or hired killer (which she assumed a shinobi was somewhere between the two) was different from killing for... Whatever her weird reasons had been. ]
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So they hired a tutor. Being with him, it seemed nice, like I could be myself again. But this story needs more shit to be raining on my life, so he turned out to be an evil shinobi assassin who revealed himself after I confessed who I was, so I broke all of his bones. Turns out being a berserker is frowned on with good shinobi, so I was banned from becoming one, kicked out of my house, and back to a new level of hell till I joined Hebijo.
[Despite a rather intense story, Homura's expression was mostly neutral; had to explain this tale so many times helps.]
So the whole love thing I guess too. Kinda screwed me over since I was an idiot.
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[ She felt genuinely offended on her behalf. ]
You're the one who got tricked! And he was an enemy! What were you expected to do after your love interest turned out to be a traitor, laugh it off? Even if you hadn't been in love, he was still an enemy! That's so unfair.
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[Such rage could hardly be controlled at that point. Lies, stress, betrayal, it triggered a rage few could handle.]
That's just the way things work. Though eventually, I was saved in a way, offered a place in Hebijo, the evil shinobi. Their motto even kinda got stuck on me. "Good accepts few, evil accepts all."
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[ But that was a bit of a distant memory. ]
But that's wrong. I realized that and they ought to, as well. [Wait--] But wait, you mean you've joined the side of evil?
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[She wasn't going to pretend she was a saint, even when helping people out.]
Blinded by devotion is another aspect. Not having much choice, I joined Hebijo and began to feel grateful. I gained freedom like never before, even became an Elite thanks to my talents. Between them or the parents who threw me away, of course I felt more grateful to them.
However, while the sides of good and evil shinobi are grey, that doesn't mean there's no such thing as right and wrong. [She looked at her own hands on the table.] I killed teammates who were going berserk and couldn't save them, believing them to just be weaklings. And I nearly killed my own friends for going against my views. Hell, I barely saw them as that. Everyone wanted to be an Elite so badly, and I was targeted constantly when I first arrived. I didn't think any differently than the others, even as we got closer. But...it was through fighting Haruka, I realized I was wrong, how empty my life was, how I was fighting for basically nothing while she tried to just be happy with one of the good shinobi.
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[ Getting rid of the homeless to make way for the riches? What kind of person could claim being "good" after doing such a thing? She listened to the entirety of her tale before speaking again. ]
I see... I understand why you see some similarities between our stories. [She tried smiling.] Be true to yourself. That's what I used to believe before my epiphany... And that's still what I want to believe. Ultimately, good and evil are what you said, just words.
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It's the only way I feel comfortable with myself. I may fight for others like Caster, but if I can't stay true to myself, I'll just be another tool. That shit sure as hell ain't happening again.
[Unless the king was using them for his own gain. If that was the case...well she'd get to that if they ever reached such a point.]